The Starcraft 2 closed beta test went live last week. Blizzard is conducting the Starcraft 2 beta like every other Blizzard beta by sending out beta invites in waves. This is a process that some eager fans aren’t handling very well.
Starcraft 2 is probably my most anticipated game release of all time, so I can understand how those gamers without beta access are feeling. Unfortunately, some people are taking things a little far.
The crazy users without Starcraft 2 beta keys posting on the official Starcraft 2 forums and on various other gaming forums around the net can be broken down into a few groups:
- The perceived entitlement group
- The jilted fan group
- The most valuable group
- The FUCK MY LIFE OF COURSE I DIDN’T GET A FUCKING KEY group
The perceived entitlement group
This is a group comprised of users who believe that they should receive a beta key because, you know, they exist. The great spectacle of their existence is more than enough reason to receive a key.
When someone from the group realizes that they weren’t accepted to the first couple Starcraft 2 beta waves, the forum response is of sad bewilderment.
One user, Handren, a poster on Blizzard’s Starcraft 2 forum, went as far as to make a thread with the title “I’m Sad” only to post “and i think you know why ” At this point, someone reading this thread is supposed to assume that Handren is sad because some asshole at Blizzard can’t follow directions and got lost hand-delivering Handren’s Starcraft 2 beta invite.
Interestingly, Handren’s account lists him as a European member. I always thought that European governments shot people for these kind of actions. Maybe Handren’s sad because immediately after submitting the thread, he was looking down the barrel of a Luger pistol (it is my understanding that people in Europe have access to no other type of weapon).
The jilted fan group
This group includes users who are pissed they didn’t get into the Starcraft 2 beta even after adding every possible Blizzard game to their battle.net accounts. These are the users who think that playing Blizzard games and purchasing Blizzard titles should secure them spots in the Starcraft 2 beta.
The forums are filled with posts by these people claiming what great fans they are and requesting access to the beta. Gummyworm, a poster on the official Starcraft 2 forum, even added his email address at the end of his post so someone could quickly courier him a Starcraft 2 beta key after confirming that he is in fact a “die-hard” Blizzard fan.
I’ve been a die-hard fan of blizzard since i was a kid… i haven’t made it into any betas so far, but I’d love to get to see one of the games i love evolve into a finished product!
HAVE MERCY ON ME!!!
I debated whether or not to include his email address because some of my readers have been known to email people pictures of oiled genitals, but I finally decided to include it after reading “HAVE MERCY ON ME!!!” a couple times. Wouldn’t it be a shame if people only get one “HAVE MERCY ON ME!!!” in a lifetime, and this guy just used his up by begging for a key on a public Starcraft 2 forum? What’s he going to say when he gets kidnapped by the Meat Weasels, a foreskin-severing biker gang out of Oklahoma? “DON’T SHAVE MY PYLON!!!”?
The most valuable group
Arguably the most annoying group, these Starcraft 2 devotees think that their possible Starcraft 2 beta feedback rates in value somewhere between a frog that urinates gold and eyeliner that enables teleportation (patent pending). These users are furious that “noobs” are getting access to the Starcraft 2 beta and being allowed to play such a sacred vessel of RTS gospel. The overwhelming attitude from this group is that only people who are really good at real time strategy games, which of course they are, should be allowed to test the Starcraft 2 beta.
One user from the official Starcraft 2 forum, Twstmast3r, just wanted to “rant a little” with his post “give beta to those who care.” His over six paragraphs of gibberish is too long to post here, but his post mentions how his inferior-skilled cousin got in the beta and is now “dominating the platinum ladder.” This, according to Twstmast3r, “is sad” because his “cousin is a noob.”
So Twstmast3r doesn’t think his cousin is using his Starcraft 2 beta key correctly by playing games in the Starcraft 2 beta. That doesn’t make much sense to me, but I might not understand his thesis because I don’t replace letters with numbers in my usernames. Maybe Blizzard would benefit from Twstmast3r’s expert feedback. I mean, look at him taking the English language by storm with his missing vowels and experimental character usage. He’s obviously a forward thinker.
The FUCK MY LIFE OF COURSE I DIDN’T GET A FUCKING KEY FUCK group
This has to be my favorite group of users. For them, not getting a Starcraft 2 beta key is just one more thing that their miserable existences fucked them out of receiving. This offense is just another addition to a list that includes “confidence in social situations”, “acceptance to Yale”, “opportunity to see female nipples somewhere other than on an LCD”, and “unfettered access to the oval office.”
I feel bad finding this group so comical because when you take the time to sob on the Internet about how you didn’t get access to a beta for a video game that everyone will be able to buy by the end of the year, things probably aren’t going too well on a day by day basis.
Also, I’d probably be a part of this group if I hadn’t spent years teaching myself self-restraint when it comes to posting things on the Internet. Keep that in mind as you read all the shit I write … on the Internet.