I see a lot of different opinions floating around about the new Double Fine game Brutal Legend. Some people love the game regardless of its flaws. Some people hate the game because it isn’t set in Borneo. Some people can’t understand how Judas Priest is listenable.
Here’s a list I developed about the five types of people playing Brutal Legend. My symbolic doctorate in Psychology and years spent reading about different personality types from the safety of my hemorrhoid-cushion-equipped computer chair had nothing to do with this list.
After hearing that Tim Schafer made his characters in Brutal Legend speak full sentences, the writer went about the excruciating process of unlearning everything about the PlayStation controller that involved playing a Blu-ray movie.
The writer is too preoccupied with taking notes to complete any side quests, and the writer’s review of Brutal Legend is less a review and more a rambling blog post about how the game’s story isn’t as good as The Wire.
Choice quote — “I usually don’t play video games because my eyes are too exhausted from reading books.”
The Jack Black Fan
Brutal Legend is not a game about Jack Black, but that doesn’t stop the Jack Black fan from pausing School of Rock, freezing Nacho Libre, and not crying from that scene in The Jackal long enough to soak in every bit of Eddie Riggs’s dialogue.
The Jack Black fan takes dying in Brutal Legend especially hard because he doesn’t just fail the game, he fails Jack Black. In his review of Brutal Legend, the Jack Black fan deducts points for every scene in the game where he feels that Jack Black could have made more of an ass out of himself.
Choice quote — “When I heard that this game was brutal, I thought people were just making fun of Year One. Did you see Year One? Excellent movie. There’s a hidden scene where Jack Black acts.”
The Clueless Consumer
The clueless consumer heard about an awesome game where you hunt treasure and run from explosions as a disarmingly charming character wearing designer clothing and a rugged jaw. Then he went to the store and bought Brutal Legend.
Luckily, the clueless consumer finds bushy sideburns both charming and rugged. He finds an axe at the beginning of the game, so that’s enough to satisfy the treasure aspect. Brutal Legend also has a bunch of explosions, and that thing about designer clothing must have been a rumor. Who the fuck wears designer clothing in a video game?
Choice quote — “The main character sure put on some weight since they shot those commercials.”
The Professional Game Critic
A month spent pouring over preview footage and pre-release screenshots left the game critic cautiously optimistic about Brutal Legend. But the game critic usually approached every game with a level of cautious optimism so his job didn’t eat him alive.
The game critic finds the beautiful imagination of Brutal Legend’s world, the genuine characters, and the substantial story lacking in their ability to not make him hate every fucking second of the gameplay. He turns the cautious optimism into one part appreciation for Brutal Legend’s “vision” and two part disgust for pop-ins, poor sound mixing, boring gameplay mechanics, and rough framerate.
Choice quote — “How’d I hit that tree?!? I WONDER IF THIS GAME’S COLLISION DETECTION CAN PROCESS MY FIST.”
With not a lot to purchase since Pantera stopped making albums, the metalhead picked up Brutal Legend on a whim. The box was pretty small, so he thought it was a safe bet that the game didn’t include a fucking plastic guitar.
Unfortunately, the metalhead stops playing once he unlocks the car’s radio. In hindsight, sixty dollars seems like a lot to spend for a game that he “plays” by leaving it on in the background with the car idling and radio blaring. However, the music is a great soundtrack for looking at pornography and drawing dragons.
Choice quote — “There’s no fucking way that was fucking Ozzy, man. … … .. When the fuck is Ozzfest?”