When the DSi XL was announced, I was one of the few people who didn’t think Nintendo was just releasing the new hand held so they could finally build a full-scale replica of Mars out of thousand dollar bills. I thought a DS with larger screens made sense for the elderly population or for people like me who’s eyes were damaged in the toxic environment of the womb.
The entire design of the DSi XL appeals to the elderly. It comes in a color called “Wine Red” for Christ’s sake. If this thing was meant for kids, that color would be called “Juice Maroon.” Did you see that big stylus? That’s for people whose fingers can no longer grasp items slimmer than a Vienna Sausage (old people eat a lot of Vienna Sausage.) The DSi XL is also gigantic and only at home in a big purse next to a pack of Dentyne. I was surprised Nintendo wasn’t bundling the DSi XL with a wool sweater and a subscription to Reader’s Digest.
So thanks for snatching my faith out of the air and smothering it with a handfull of uncashed checks, Nintendo. At the Semi-annual Financial Results Briefing, Nintendo’s president Satoru Iwata tried to broaden the appeal of the new hand held:
Nintendo DSi LL features not only bigger monitor screens, but an improved view angle on the screens to make it the first portable system that can be enjoyed with people surrounding the gamer. When a player can enjoy playing Tomodachi Collection and Professor Layton series on Nintendo DSi LL together with people surrounding him or her, it can lead to accentuating the appeal of these software. In other words, the appeal of the same software can be intensified by Nintendo DSi LL’s new feature and may unexpectedly become a hit title in the end.
This quote from Iwata doesn’t stick with the elderly theme. Why would an older person play Tomodachi Collection, a game in the genre of “life simulator.” Someone who’s eighty doesn’t want to think about life. An eighty year old wants to play Tetris or gamble. And show me this elderly person surrounded by people. It’s instinctual for people to avoid things that may or may not be composed of rotting fruit. No one hovers over an old cantaloupe admiring the smell and mold spots.
People don’t want to hear how a new hand held is better than the one released less than a year ago. This DSi XL is supposed to be a companion to the DSi, something for old people to do besides count their own tumors. Every advertisement should be an old person squinting at the tiny screen of the old DSi and running Mario into the same pit over and over again. This is the only way that Nintendo isn’t going to piss off everyone who bought a DSi.
