Is The Settlers 7 EXTREME Enough for America?

Most game developers know that it is hard to move retail units in America without instilling a sense of selfish-badassness in the average American consumer. But how do you accomplish this if your game is called The Settlers 7? “Settle” is right there in the game’s title. Americans don’t settle for anything because doing so probably means that someone else is getting something better and more awesome.

Since The Settlers is already an established franchise, it’s a little late for Ubisoft to change the name to something more American like The Pilgrims: LAND, TAKE, EAT, FUCK. But the marketing team came through with the box art.

Good thing he removed half of his helmet; Budweiser can't drink itself.

There’s a man who’s got some eating and fucking in his future. I don’t know how he’s going to choose between ruining that army’s shit or helping that weak pussy with that big rock. Good thing this game takes place before ESPN or he’d never make a decision.

According to the box, whatever he does is YOUR choice since it is YOUR kingdom. And, no matter what you pick, it will be a victory, YOUR victory. The box stops at this asskicker’s waist, so it’s up to YOUR imagination whether there are two or three maidens giving him a blow job.

Let’s see what European players get on their The Settlers 7 box.

Jesus. More like The Sissies 7? Am I right? GIT R DONE!

Wait a second, what’s with these three dudes on the front of the box?  Are they helping each other? What a bunch of considerate assholes. That dude from the American box should stomp down here and splatter these bitches with some Kentucky fried culture.

I can’t help but find this box art a little friendlier than the American version. It’s almost as if this Settlers game is about having some bright-colored fun. But how could that happen unless my character is lighting something on fire at night while ripping trees out of the ground with his chest hair (these are features that I feel are implied by The Settlers 7 North American box art).

The sad part about the different box art is that the actual game looks nothing like what is depicted on the North American box. Here’s a screenshot of The Settlers 7, a screenshot that doesn’t include a single dragon getting beaten to death with a Hummer branded mace.

Shouldn't the streets be filled with blood? There goes one of my testicles.

Is this false advertisement? I can definitely see how someone buying a game with the above North American box art might be disappointed with a game that looks completely different. What do you think?

~thanks Kotaku

Tagged as: AMERICA, box art, the settlers 7, ubisoft