The extremely Christian Left Behind games are coming to a Walmart near you, so let’s get down there with the gas cans and try to make the best out of the situation.
What? Oh, the games are coming to Walmarts in Texas on a trial basis. You’ll still be able to buy traditional video games at your liberal, secular Walmarts without fearing that a copy of Starcraft: Battlechest rubbed up against a Left Behind game in transit.
My favorite part of this announcement in the press release on Reuters. It’s a delicious Easter basket full of quotes:
The demographics in Texas make it an ideal testing ground for Left Behind PC Games where there are over 23,000 churches
There are over 23,000 churches in Texas? Do they give out bibles like copies of the Yellow Pages? I’m assuming these are just the crazy churches that would go out and buy copies of a game where you pray against rock and roll.
The best quote in the release is from Troy Lyndon, CEO of Inspired Media, the company responsible for the Left Behind series:
The US market for Christian video games could reach $648 Million within the next five years based upon just 3% of video game sales being in the Christian segment.
Way to reach for the stars there with three percent, Troy. Do extreme Christians even believe in stars? If they do, they must have some ridiculous justification for their existence, like God sneezed into the sky while snorting meth on the fourth day or something. What do extreme Christians say about sneezing again? It’s your soul trying to escape, right? Or is that ejaculation? I can’t remember.
I don’t know how extreme Christians have the time to keep all this shit straight, let alone play video games.
