It’s probably easier to steal code from video game developers instead of from, say, banks or organizations funded by the military. I’m basing this assumption on how I’m pretty involved with video games but lack physical strength and have a proclivity to cry for no reason. I also just used the word “proclivity”, causing the meager amount of testosterone holding on my newly grown back-hair to flush from my system like so many drops of dew down the stem of a jostled tulip.

So, given the dozens of ripe, poorly defended video game developers at PAX East, why would a code thief target the one developer that not only works directly with military and intelligence organizations, but is also owned by a firm that is funded by the CIA? Maybe the thief wanted a challenge. Or maybe the pay for the job was too high to pass up. Or maybe the thief was a video game nerd with a track record of making bad decisions.

According to Joystiq, who has done some great investigative work into this story, an attendant at PAX East tried to steal the game code for Breach from the Atomic Games booth on the show floor. The staff at the Atomic Games booth managed to stop the thief after he downloaded some of the code onto his laptop and tried to flee into the crowd.

David Tractenberg, a spokesperson for Atomic Games, stated that the thief  “..did admit to us several times, including as he was doing it, that he was stealing the code.”

Ah, so the thief went for the ol’ “I’m stealing from you right. this. second.” approach. A ballsy move that usually only works in movies that have titles starting in “Oceans.” Maybe the thief was trying to distract the booth staff while he stole the code, but instead of yelling “LOOK OVER THERE” he yelled “I’M STEALING YOUR GAME. I mean. .. fuck.” A mistake any one of us could have made.

Since, like I mentioned above, Atomic Games works closely with military organizations, they caught the thief and had him thrown in jail. Joystiq wrote that “the suspect spent four hours in jail, and his laptops, modded Xbox 360, modded PSP, modded DS and XMP3 were confiscated by police.” Let this be a lesson for all you would-be thieves out there — get rid of your incriminating collection of modded video game consoles before attempting a poorly executed code theft. Also, a XMP3? Really?

My favorite part of this story is how Joystiq tracked the guy down on Xbox Live and reported that the thief claims he wasn’t trying to steal the Breach code. The suspect claims that he was just trying to get online because the wireless at the convention center wasn’t working. So when the guy was telling the staff of Atomic Games that he was stealing their game, he really meant that “I’m trying to steal the wireless but there’s a breach, so I’m just going to steal your internet connection.” Sorry, that’s the best sentence I could come up with to try and make that situation make sense.

The suspect (I think I’m supposed to be using that word because this guy hasn’t yet been convicted of being a thieving moron) also might be working for some bumbling organization of inept nerds struggling to steal game code. According to David Tractenberg, after being caught by the crew at Atomic Games, the suspect “..said several times he ‘knew people’ and ‘could give us bigger and more important people’ and he could ‘name names.’” Man, that guy sure flipped quickly, huh? I guess the worst thing that happens to a snitch in a video game code stealing gang is that he gets his shiny Pokemon released or something.

I’ll keep you guys updated with all the latest breaks in this story.

[Update] – Video game supervillain Justin May, known across the Internet as “The Breach Thief” skipped bail and has a warrant out for his arrest. Joystiq is reporting that May MAY be involved in a heated Modern Warfare 2 match and unable to step away from the console to keep from ruining the rest of his life.

I could be negative about this video of a bunch of kids singing “Still Alive” from Portal. I mean, the video portion of the video is pretty shitty. It’s darker than that video I shot of The Insane Clown Posse doing their version of The Vagina Monologues. Someone should have adjusted the brightness settings or upped the gamma or downloaded the latest video card drivers.

And have these kids even played the game? When they sing “we’re out of beta, we’re releasing on time”, do they know what they’re singing about? None of those kids have acquired enough disappointment to really appreciate a beta. None of them can say that they got access to the closed beta of Sesame Street when Big Bird was a bald eagle and Elmo had Lymphoma.

But I’m going to be positive about this video because the only thing I got to sing in elementary school choir was that ridiculous song about a banana and a telephone. I bet the choir did play through Portal. The lucky kids who didn’t need to be institutionalized after they were forced to incinerate their companion cubes, loved every minute of the game.

According to VG247, the specs for the PC version of Splinter Cell: Conviction should make the game desirable for gamers in the “Look, you can’t buy goods and services with money. Just tear it up and use it as confetti at parties” category:

Recommended specs:

• Supported OS: Windows XP, Windows Vista, Windows 7
• Processor: 1.8 GHz Intel Core2 Duo or 2.4 GHz AMD Athlon X2 64
• RAM: 1.5 GB Windows XP / 2 GB Windows Vista, Windows 7
• Video Card: 256 MB DirectX 9.0c–compliant video card (512 MB recommended) (see supported list*)
• Sound Card: DirectX 9.0c–compliant sound card
• DirectX Version: DirectX 9.0c
• DVD-ROM: DVD-ROM drive
• Hard Drive Space: 10 GB
• Peripherals Supported: Mouse, keyboard, headset, 12-button gamepads with analog sticks
• Internet Connection: Broadband Internet connection

*Supported Video Cards at Time of Release:

NVIDIA GeForce 7800 / 7900 / 8 / 9 / GTX series

ATI RADEON X1800 / X1900 / HD 2000 / HD 3000 / HD 4000 / HD 5000 series

Laptop versions of these cards may work but are NOT supported. These chipsets are the only ones that will run this game.

Note: A permanent high speed internet connection and creation of a Ubisoft account are required to play this video game at all times and to unlock exclusive content. Such content may only be unlocked one single time with a unique key. You must be at least 13 to create a Ubisoft account.

Man, they really include a lot of fluff in that list of specs. Let’s see if we can filter it down to only the important parts:

Note: A permanent high speed internet connection and creation of a Ubisoft account are required to play this video game at all times

That’s better, but I think we can take it further:

Note: A permanent high speed internet connection (is) required to play this video game at all times.

I think we’ve almost got it. But I am a bit of a perfectionist, so let’s give it one more try:

Note: A desire to give us your money and then immediately go fuck yourself is required to attempt to play this video game at all times.

Perfect.

Dice, the developer of Bad Company 2, wants you to know that you’ve been spoiled. They want you to know that your fancy friends list and reliable server browsers have made you soft. Real PC gamers don’t need sophisticated multiplayer options that function properly. REAL PC gamers are happy with a keyboard, mouse, and something on the screen to strafe around.

At least that’s what it feels like Dice is trying to say with the frequently broken, sorely lacking multiplayer interface for Bad Company 2. If you’re used to playing games on Steam, you might be expecting Bad Company 2 to have certain features. For example, you might expect to be able to go to your Steam friends list, click on a friend who’s currently playing Bad Company 2, and then join that friend’s server. Well, you better get that shit out of your head right now. That shit will get you killed on the battlefield.

Bad Company 2 doesn’t allow soldiers to use that fancy steam woozit-whatzit-friendie-listie-thingamagig-awhat-a-ma-huh to interact with other soldiers. Bad Company 2 has its own friends list that only works a little under half of the time. Sometimes your friends will be online, but the list won’t show them online. Sometimes your friend will be in a server, but the list won’t let you join the server. When this happens, a box pops up that says “Please wait” and then just disappears with no explanation, leaving you staring at the list and wondering what happened.

This prepares you for the battlefield. A friends list that worked all the time would only give you false confidence. Does a grenade work all the time? Of course not. Sometimes you pull the pin and it blows the front of your face off. And that “Please wait” box prepares you too. Things happen in battle without explanations. Is your teammate going to give you an explanation after lacing your body into the ground with a tank tread? No. He’ll just drive away and let you wonder if him driving over you was an accident or if he was that guy you murdered for the helicopter.

If I wasn't so weak and spoiled, this helicopter would already be dead.

Another thing turning fighting men into pussies is a reliable server filter system. Some games, like that communist bitch-fest Team Fortress 2, let players choose from certain filters and then save those filters for future use. Bad Company 2 does none of this diaper-filling nonsense. When you load the Bad Company 2 server browser, no filters are selected regardless of which ones you selected the last time you played. You can’t cling to that shit. You need fresh tactics if you want to stay alive.

And don’t expect the server browser to quickly apply the filters that you select. After waiting for the server browser to refresh the server list, finding out that your filters aren’t saved, and then reapplying your filters, you’re going to wait again. What? Do you want to just go off half-cocked and jump into the first server that passes your filters? Think again, sonny. Use those tedious delays wisely to plan a winning strategy or to try and figure out how to join your friend’s server through the broken friends list.

The intraweb is blazing over the recent dispute between money-sucking-soul-crematorium Activision and the previous heads of Infinity Ward, Jason West and Vince Zampella. Basically, Activision, after probably spending an obscene amount of time investigating a legal way to bury West and Zampella up to their chins next to a fire ant mound, decided to just fire them under a cloud of vague accusations.

Luckily, the dispute gives the public a glimpse of how a big developer like Activision, who some have accused of acting like a giant asshole that extrudes video games after leeching away everything awesome and fun about their development, handles internal personnel problems.

I’ve been following the situation closely, and I’ve compiled a list of tips for other organizations aspiring to be seen as huge dicks.

How to handle disagreements with valuable employees

The Jason West and Vince Zampella versus Activision situation is unique because West and Zampella weren’t ordinary employees. Infinity Ward, the studio that West and Zampella headed until Activision figured out a way to get rid of them, produced one of the best selling games of all time for Activision — Modern Warfare 2.

Because of this, Activision couldn’t just toss West and Zampella out on the street like run-of-the-mill employees with the gall to question the Activision Prime Directive. It was important for Activision to embarrass and hassle West and Zampella as much as possible before their inevitable termination because they had the nerve to not keep cranking out award winning games that make billions of dollars.

The court documents that West and Zampella filed claim that Activision refused to explain charges of breach of contract and “insubordination” (embarrass) while holding an internal investigation that at one point involved West and Zampella sitting in a windowless conference room for six hours (hassle).

Any other big corporation might have sat West and Zampella down in a conference room with windows, beverages, and possibly danish to try and work out a solution to the growing strain between publisher and developer. But Activision didn’t earn its vile reputation by being some pussy corporation that wastes money on windows, beverages, and possibly danish.

How to handle a difficult transitional period

You’re probably wondering what to do after you fire your two high-ranking personnel that some have called “priceless” and “the most valuable game developers in the world.” If you followed the previous tip on how to handle disagreements with personnel, the situation is probably complicated because you and/or your company acted like a mound of cock wrapped in a wet bed sheet.

The biggest concern in this type of situation is that your disgruntled former employees will charge through the doors of the development company they founded and convince the rest of your not-so-valuable but still valuable employees to abandon ship, leaving a good-sized vacancy in the corner of your corporate Death Star.

Activision handled a similar situation by guarding the Infinity Ward campus with hired muscle. These mercenaries or “thugs” were ordered to not tell the Infinity Ward staff what was going on, ensuring that the staff became panicked and freaked out. A confused and scared staff isn’t very likely to rebel, more so if that staff usually interacts with spooky military-ish situations by using controllers.

How to control the story after being a dick

It’s important to control the story after your corporation comes across as a greedy fuck-piston. In Activision’s case, they used the unique strategy of providing the public with as little information as possible. We still don’t know a lot of what went on between Activision and West and Zampella:

• Why were West and Zampella fired?
• What did West and Zampella do that was in breach of contract?
• How were West and Zampella insubordinate?
• How does Activision have access to hired goons?

By not telling the public what West and Zampella did to get fired, the public is forced to assume the worst. Did Jason West kill someone? Was it in his contract that he couldn’t kill anyone while employed at Infinity Ward?  Did Vince Zampella help hide the body? I bet Bobby Kotick was like “Vince, don’t help him hide that body” and Vince was all “YOU DON’T OWN ME BOBBY.” I’m no expert, but that sounds like a clear case of insubordination.

As a bonus, if your organization has a history of doing shitty things to video game developers, the public will assume that your company is to blame. The resulting media backlash should solidify your company’s status as a giant dick.

~thanks G4

Valve software, the company comprised of renowned tricksters, jesters, and gypsies who are pretty good at making video games, hit the emails of a few blogs today with teaser images for an upcoming announcement. Shacknews, Rock, Paper, Shotgun, Mac Rumors, Mac NN, Eurogamer, and Macworld have each received one of six images. I feel a little left out that Gamebane didn’t get an image, but it’s probably for the best. Given my luck, my Valve image would still be stuck in my spam folder or mistakenly deleted with all incoming mail in a scorched earth tactic adopted in desperation to remove large quantities of pornography.

I even use Gmail filters. It’s become a real problem. The six images strongly hint that Steam is coming to Apple’s OSX operating system. But they could also mean that Apple bought Valve, Valve is now using Apple’s marketing team, or that Steve Jobs and Gabe Newell accidentally fell into a teleportation pod during an intense thumb-wrestling match, and the pod mistakenly assembled their DNA into a new organism, a Stevabe Newjob, if you will. Who, besides sounding both Mexican and Native American, is now in charge of Apple and Valve. Imagine the board meetings:

Stevabe Newjob: “The next Team Fortress 2 patch will allow players to incorporate iPods into their loadouts. They’ll be able to buy songs directly from the new TF2 iTunes store. Also, for the Engineer update, what do we think about letting engineers build sentries and dispensers remotely using 3G enabled iPads?

Stevabe Newjob: “Also, I think we need more aluminum around Steam headquarters. What’s this table made out of? Anyone? Because it looks like wood to me. I can’t see my reflection in wood, people.

Stevabe Newjob: “Why isn’t anyone saying anything?”

My Mac and PC are the same computer (I dual boot Windows XP and Leopard), so the idea of Steam for Mac is pretty exciting. I’d still do most of my gaming on the PC side, but it would be nice to use the Steam friends list and procrastinate with a few simple Mac games.

But maybe Valve has big plans for Steamed Macs. If the driver support existed and the development was there, there’s no reason why I couldn’t run Mac games just as well as I run PC games. The possibilities are exciting.

~apple image by Tom@freezepix

Most game developers know that it is hard to move retail units in America without instilling a sense of selfish-badassness in the average American consumer. But how do you accomplish this if your game is called The Settlers 7? “Settle” is right there in the game’s title. Americans don’t settle for anything because doing so probably means that someone else is getting something better and more awesome.

Since The Settlers is already an established franchise, it’s a little late for Ubisoft to change the name to something more American like The Pilgrims: LAND, TAKE, EAT, FUCK. But the marketing team came through with the box art.

Good thing he removed half of his helmet; Budweiser can't drink itself.

There’s a man who’s got some eating and fucking in his future. I don’t know how he’s going to choose between ruining that army’s shit or helping that weak pussy with that big rock. Good thing this game takes place before ESPN or he’d never make a decision.

According to the box, whatever he does is YOUR choice since it is YOUR kingdom. And, no matter what you pick, it will be a victory, YOUR victory. The box stops at this asskicker’s waist, so it’s up to YOUR imagination whether there are two or three maidens giving him a blow job.

Let’s see what European players get on their The Settlers 7 box.

Jesus. More like The Sissies 7? Am I right? GIT R DONE!

Wait a second, what’s with these three dudes on the front of the box?  Are they helping each other? What a bunch of considerate assholes. That dude from the American box should stomp down here and splatter these bitches with some Kentucky fried culture.

I can’t help but find this box art a little friendlier than the American version. It’s almost as if this Settlers game is about having some bright-colored fun. But how could that happen unless my character is lighting something on fire at night while ripping trees out of the ground with his chest hair (these are features that I feel are implied by The Settlers 7 North American box art).

The sad part about the different box art is that the actual game looks nothing like what is depicted on the North American box. Here’s a screenshot of The Settlers 7, a screenshot that doesn’t include a single dragon getting beaten to death with a Hummer branded mace.

Shouldn't the streets be filled with blood? There goes one of my testicles.

Is this false advertisement? I can definitely see how someone buying a game with the above North American box art might be disappointed with a game that looks completely different. What do you think?

~thanks Kotaku

Steam may be the best thing to happen to PC gaming since Ethernet, but the platform could use an upgrade. Hearing my thoughts, Valve recently started a beta for Steam that lets users test a new interface and new features for the platform. I, in the interest of science and in the hope that my friends list would stop crashing, joined the beta.

The next Steam definitely looks shinier and is more user friendly, but Valve decided to give me information that I was trying hard not to know.

Don't worry. I spend double that ... working on my correspondence?

I’ve played over two days worth of Killing Floor. See, I need a game to really stimulate me intellectually before I sink that much time into its complex story and emotional nuances. For example, the “trader” in Killing Floor who sells equipment and guns sometimes says “I like the big ones, don’t you?” Just try to wrap your head around that one.

Before this new version of Steam, I would have had to physically click through to my profile page to pin down exactly how much of my life I spent shooting monsters in the face with the smooth actuations only possible by the Unreal Engine 2.5. I’ll start spending some of this time reading when publishers build books from the Unreal Engine.

I wonder if this is Valve’s attempt to bring more responsibility into the lives of PC gamers. Or maybe they just want to make people feel guilty. I have news for Valve — It takes a lot of guilt before I get my act together and do the responsible thing, just ask the unemployment office of Pennsylvania.

Does that Deathmatch Classic image come in an iPad skin?

But the new Steam doesn’t just make me hate myself, it also looks great doing it. Check out the image that Valve uses for Deathmatch Classic in the “grid view” of the game library. If the Killing Floor grid image looked as badass, I probably wouldn’t feel so bad about playing it so much. Look at the smoke coming out of the end of that shotgun. That means that that dude just fired that shotgun, probably into someone’s chest. I doubt the image would be so cool if that guy wasn’t a suspected murderer.

That image's resolution does nothing for my eyes.

Unfortunately, Steam’s new graphical boost could do nothing for my profile image. I considered wearing my glasses for that photo, but I was concerned that they would make me look too sophisticated.

Overall, the new Steam looks better, functions better, and uses a lot of gradients. When the update is finally released, it should be a nice improvement to the Steam client. Personally, I’m still running Windows XP in classic mode, so I’m not too concerned with things looking good and functioning properly. But I can see how a lot of people with self-respect will be very excited about the new Steam.

To uphold my reputation for bringing my readers the latest Starcraft 2 beta news after every other website has already reported it but in a charming voice that several critics have described as “impish,” I have some information via the latest BlizzCast.

Rob Simpson, Dustin Browder, and Chris Sigaty discussed a variety of Starcraft 2 beta information in a Starcraft 2 beta focused episode of the BlizzCast. I managed to jot down some notes on what I found most interesting while crafting a Zergling out of pink Sculpey. Unfortunately, the Zergling had to be put down due to inadequate build quality.

Some of the things discussed about Starcraft 2 were pretty major:

The Starcraft 2 Beta

• Blizzard was initially hoping to run the Starcraft 2 beta for three to five months, but now it is looking like the beta will only last for about three months. This really worries me since I think the delicate game balance that Starcraft 2 requires can’t possibly get done in three months. This is probably Bobby Kotick’s doing as we all know he constantly requires more minerals.
• Blizzard is hoping to patch the Starcraft 2 beta at least once a week and more if needed.
• A major content patch is planned for close to the end of the beta before Starcraft 2′s official release.
• Changes to the Starcraft 2 beta will be as drastic as needed to ensure game balance. This means that units could be removed or added to Starcraft 2.
• Blizzard hopes to include the galaxy editor and some form of achievements in the Starcraft 2 beta if time allows.
• The point of the Starcraft 2 beta is to hone game balance and test server loads.

Starcraft 2 Single Player

• There will be many more playable units in the single player including wraiths, medics, and science vessels.
• Players can change difficulty per Starcraft 2 campaign mission.

Random Starcraft 2 Stuff

• Blizzard has a company-wide Starcraft 2 play session every Thursday night.
• World of Warcraft and Starcraft 2 will be connected via Battle.net.
• “Star 2″ is the new hip abbreviation for “Starcraft 2.” For example, “yo man, I was totally just blasting some toss in Star 2.” or “Star 2 is the abbreviation I’m using for ‘Starcraft 2.’ I wanted to tell you so you know what I’m talking about.”

Check out episode 13 of the BlizzCast complete with chat transcript.

I feel bad about ragging on DICE. They are one of the few big developers who seem to appreciate the act of developing a game for the PC. Don’t worry — this doesn’t mean that I’m not going to rag on them, because I am. I just want to make it clear that all of my comments come with a back end of appreciation.

After Infinity Ward released Modern Warfare 2 and asked their PC fanbase to spend sixty dollars for a PC game lacking many of the features that distinguish a PC game from a console game, mainly dedicated server support, DICE saw an opportunity to gain favor with PC gamers. DICE acted like Infinity Ward had tried to sell PC gamers a mule that was missing its saddle, reins, and had three broken legs. DICE assured us that they were also working on a mule, but their mule had a saddle, reins, and legs molded out of something indestructible like Dick Cheney.

I thought DICE’s “WE LOVE YOU PC GAMERZ!!!” PR blitz was a little transparent but warranted given Infinity Ward’s and Activision’s insistence of charging sixty dollars to rape much of PC gaming’s identity. But recently DICE released a PC walkthrough trailer for Battlefield: Bad Company 2 that takes the PC pandering a little far.

In the video, a lot of time is dedicated to explaining how the PC version of Battlefield: Bad Company 2 has innovative PC specific features like menus, a server browser, and a user interface that can be navigated without taking notes and remembering patterns like its a game of Simon.

Perhaps DICE needs to point these things out given the amount of unusable shit that many developers have the balls to port to PC, but I think DICE has an opportunity to be better. The video comes off as a little shallow, a little too concerned with nailing down as many disgruntled PC gamers as possible. And I’m also concerned with the effect that packaging basic game functionality as “unique pc features” will have on continued development for the PC. Hell, if the PC gaming base does synchronized cartwheels over the ability to navigate past a game’s main menu and dedicated server support, what’s the point of pushing the envelope?