It’s probably easier to steal code from video game developers instead of from, say, banks or organizations funded by the military. I’m basing this assumption on how I’m pretty involved with video games but lack physical strength and have a proclivity to cry for no reason. I also just used the word “proclivity”, causing the meager amount of testosterone holding on my newly grown back-hair to flush from my system like so many drops of dew down the stem of a jostled tulip.

So, given the dozens of ripe, poorly defended video game developers at PAX East, why would a code thief target the one developer that not only works directly with military and intelligence organizations, but is also owned by a firm that is funded by the CIA? Maybe the thief wanted a challenge. Or maybe the pay for the job was too high to pass up. Or maybe the thief was a video game nerd with a track record of making bad decisions.

According to Joystiq, who has done some great investigative work into this story, an attendant at PAX East tried to steal the game code for Breach from the Atomic Games booth on the show floor. The staff at the Atomic Games booth managed to stop the thief after he downloaded some of the code onto his laptop and tried to flee into the crowd.

David Tractenberg, a spokesperson for Atomic Games, stated that the thief  “..did admit to us several times, including as he was doing it, that he was stealing the code.”

Ah, so the thief went for the ol’ “I’m stealing from you right. this. second.” approach. A ballsy move that usually only works in movies that have titles starting in “Oceans.” Maybe the thief was trying to distract the booth staff while he stole the code, but instead of yelling “LOOK OVER THERE” he yelled “I’M STEALING YOUR GAME. I mean. .. fuck.” A mistake any one of us could have made.

Since, like I mentioned above, Atomic Games works closely with military organizations, they caught the thief and had him thrown in jail. Joystiq wrote that “the suspect spent four hours in jail, and his laptops, modded Xbox 360, modded PSP, modded DS and XMP3 were confiscated by police.” Let this be a lesson for all you would-be thieves out there — get rid of your incriminating collection of modded video game consoles before attempting a poorly executed code theft. Also, a XMP3? Really?

My favorite part of this story is how Joystiq tracked the guy down on Xbox Live and reported that the thief claims he wasn’t trying to steal the Breach code. The suspect claims that he was just trying to get online because the wireless at the convention center wasn’t working. So when the guy was telling the staff of Atomic Games that he was stealing their game, he really meant that “I’m trying to steal the wireless but there’s a breach, so I’m just going to steal your internet connection.” Sorry, that’s the best sentence I could come up with to try and make that situation make sense.

The suspect (I think I’m supposed to be using that word because this guy hasn’t yet been convicted of being a thieving moron) also might be working for some bumbling organization of inept nerds struggling to steal game code. According to David Tractenberg, after being caught by the crew at Atomic Games, the suspect “..said several times he ‘knew people’ and ‘could give us bigger and more important people’ and he could ‘name names.’” Man, that guy sure flipped quickly, huh? I guess the worst thing that happens to a snitch in a video game code stealing gang is that he gets his shiny Pokemon released or something.

I’ll keep you guys updated with all the latest breaks in this story.

[Update] – Video game supervillain Justin May, known across the Internet as “The Breach Thief” skipped bail and has a warrant out for his arrest. Joystiq is reporting that May MAY be involved in a heated Modern Warfare 2 match and unable to step away from the console to keep from ruining the rest of his life.

I could be negative about this video of a bunch of kids singing “Still Alive” from Portal. I mean, the video portion of the video is pretty shitty. It’s darker than that video I shot of The Insane Clown Posse doing their version of The Vagina Monologues. Someone should have adjusted the brightness settings or upped the gamma or downloaded the latest video card drivers.

And have these kids even played the game? When they sing “we’re out of beta, we’re releasing on time”, do they know what they’re singing about? None of those kids have acquired enough disappointment to really appreciate a beta. None of them can say that they got access to the closed beta of Sesame Street when Big Bird was a bald eagle and Elmo had Lymphoma.

But I’m going to be positive about this video because the only thing I got to sing in elementary school choir was that ridiculous song about a banana and a telephone. I bet the choir did play through Portal. The lucky kids who didn’t need to be institutionalized after they were forced to incinerate their companion cubes, loved every minute of the game.

I‘m a big fan of the Twilight films. It’s not often that I’m moved to tears while staring at the abdominal muscles of young men. Usually, the young men are the ones crying, especially after I utter my catch-phrase “I bet I can fit my whole mustache inside your belly button.”

So I’m pretty sad that no one has developed a Twilight video game. The market for people who want to turn into a vampire and then fall in love is gigantic. And I hear that a lot of girls find the Twilight movies “romantic,” a word that might make sense to me if I was more learned in Twilight lore.

According to Games Investor Consulting analyst Nick Gibson, “Twilight could easily present a seven-figure exploitation opportunity, especially if publishers look at taking it beyond retail gaming and considers network gaming.” It’s safe to assume that immediately after Nick Gibson said this to MCV, Bobby Kotick, his tarantula-sense picking up on the words “seven-figure”, “exploitation”, “publishers”, and “gaming” used in succession, sliced a hole in the wall with the corner of his checkbook and burst into the room.

By “network gaming”, I assume that Nick Gibson is talking about digital distribution. Or maybe he’s talking about a multiplayer Twilight game. In that game, based on your definition of “winning”, whoever kisses that awkward human girl or snaps the game in half first wins.

Nick Gibson suggests that a Twilight game would be most at home on the Wii or DS.  I’m sure he realizes that the moment the word “twilight” enters a game’s title, no one used to shooting people in the face is interested. Actually, a game titled Shoot the Cast of Twilight in the Face could move a lot of units on the PS3, Xbox 360, PC, iPhone, Mac, Android, Wii, DS, SNES, NES, Sega CD, NGage, and Linux.

According to VG247, the specs for the PC version of Splinter Cell: Conviction should make the game desirable for gamers in the “Look, you can’t buy goods and services with money. Just tear it up and use it as confetti at parties” category:

Recommended specs:

• Supported OS: Windows XP, Windows Vista, Windows 7
• Processor: 1.8 GHz Intel Core2 Duo or 2.4 GHz AMD Athlon X2 64
• RAM: 1.5 GB Windows XP / 2 GB Windows Vista, Windows 7
• Video Card: 256 MB DirectX 9.0c–compliant video card (512 MB recommended) (see supported list*)
• Sound Card: DirectX 9.0c–compliant sound card
• DirectX Version: DirectX 9.0c
• DVD-ROM: DVD-ROM drive
• Hard Drive Space: 10 GB
• Peripherals Supported: Mouse, keyboard, headset, 12-button gamepads with analog sticks
• Internet Connection: Broadband Internet connection

*Supported Video Cards at Time of Release:

NVIDIA GeForce 7800 / 7900 / 8 / 9 / GTX series

ATI RADEON X1800 / X1900 / HD 2000 / HD 3000 / HD 4000 / HD 5000 series

Laptop versions of these cards may work but are NOT supported. These chipsets are the only ones that will run this game.

Note: A permanent high speed internet connection and creation of a Ubisoft account are required to play this video game at all times and to unlock exclusive content. Such content may only be unlocked one single time with a unique key. You must be at least 13 to create a Ubisoft account.

Man, they really include a lot of fluff in that list of specs. Let’s see if we can filter it down to only the important parts:

Note: A permanent high speed internet connection and creation of a Ubisoft account are required to play this video game at all times

That’s better, but I think we can take it further:

Note: A permanent high speed internet connection (is) required to play this video game at all times.

I think we’ve almost got it. But I am a bit of a perfectionist, so let’s give it one more try:

Note: A desire to give us your money and then immediately go fuck yourself is required to attempt to play this video game at all times.

Perfect.

The details on the “stimulus package” map pack for Modern Warfare 2 dropped today. The map pack will feature five maps — three new maps and two remade maps from Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare, and it will set gamers back 1200 Microsoft points on Xbox 360. I’m told that 1200 points equals about fifteen real American dollars.

Whew! What a relief, right? After Activision tormented and fired their two most valuable employees, a lot of people were concerned that the publisher had lost the passion for gorging on coursing streams of revenue. 

Some people even thought that Activision might try to minimize public backlash and answer Dice’s free map pack for Battlefield: Bad Company 2 by releasing new Modern Warfare 2 maps at a reasonable price. Others hoped that Activision was calling the map pack a “stimulus package” because the map pack would be free and “stimulate” the pleasure centers of disillusioned gamers who remember a time when video games were published by companies who actually like games.

Fortunately, none of that is true. Activision showed real resolve by charging $15 dollars for five maps after selling about 10 million copies of Modern Warfare 2 for $60 a pop. It turns out that the name “stimulus package” had less to do with gamers and more to do with money stimulating Activision.

Personally, I think Activision might be playing things a little safe after recently “streamlining” Infinity Ward. It’s obviously still a little rocky over there, and that’s why this Modern Warfare 2 map pack isn’t priced higher. After Activision gets done hammering out the kinks in the new Infinity Ward machine, we can expect DLC prices to normalize around the $25 to $30 range.

Still, by pricing the map pack at $15, Activision sends a clear message that the publisher still values those Modern Warfare 2 fans who choose to replace self-respect with five new maps and fifteen less dollars.

~Thanks Multiplayergames.com

The intraweb is blazing over the recent dispute between money-sucking-soul-crematorium Activision and the previous heads of Infinity Ward, Jason West and Vince Zampella. Basically, Activision, after probably spending an obscene amount of time investigating a legal way to bury West and Zampella up to their chins next to a fire ant mound, decided to just fire them under a cloud of vague accusations.

Luckily, the dispute gives the public a glimpse of how a big developer like Activision, who some have accused of acting like a giant asshole that extrudes video games after leeching away everything awesome and fun about their development, handles internal personnel problems.

I’ve been following the situation closely, and I’ve compiled a list of tips for other organizations aspiring to be seen as huge dicks.

How to handle disagreements with valuable employees

The Jason West and Vince Zampella versus Activision situation is unique because West and Zampella weren’t ordinary employees. Infinity Ward, the studio that West and Zampella headed until Activision figured out a way to get rid of them, produced one of the best selling games of all time for Activision — Modern Warfare 2.

Because of this, Activision couldn’t just toss West and Zampella out on the street like run-of-the-mill employees with the gall to question the Activision Prime Directive. It was important for Activision to embarrass and hassle West and Zampella as much as possible before their inevitable termination because they had the nerve to not keep cranking out award winning games that make billions of dollars.

The court documents that West and Zampella filed claim that Activision refused to explain charges of breach of contract and “insubordination” (embarrass) while holding an internal investigation that at one point involved West and Zampella sitting in a windowless conference room for six hours (hassle).

Any other big corporation might have sat West and Zampella down in a conference room with windows, beverages, and possibly danish to try and work out a solution to the growing strain between publisher and developer. But Activision didn’t earn its vile reputation by being some pussy corporation that wastes money on windows, beverages, and possibly danish.

How to handle a difficult transitional period

You’re probably wondering what to do after you fire your two high-ranking personnel that some have called “priceless” and “the most valuable game developers in the world.” If you followed the previous tip on how to handle disagreements with personnel, the situation is probably complicated because you and/or your company acted like a mound of cock wrapped in a wet bed sheet.

The biggest concern in this type of situation is that your disgruntled former employees will charge through the doors of the development company they founded and convince the rest of your not-so-valuable but still valuable employees to abandon ship, leaving a good-sized vacancy in the corner of your corporate Death Star.

Activision handled a similar situation by guarding the Infinity Ward campus with hired muscle. These mercenaries or “thugs” were ordered to not tell the Infinity Ward staff what was going on, ensuring that the staff became panicked and freaked out. A confused and scared staff isn’t very likely to rebel, more so if that staff usually interacts with spooky military-ish situations by using controllers.

How to control the story after being a dick

It’s important to control the story after your corporation comes across as a greedy fuck-piston. In Activision’s case, they used the unique strategy of providing the public with as little information as possible. We still don’t know a lot of what went on between Activision and West and Zampella:

• Why were West and Zampella fired?
• What did West and Zampella do that was in breach of contract?
• How were West and Zampella insubordinate?
• How does Activision have access to hired goons?

By not telling the public what West and Zampella did to get fired, the public is forced to assume the worst. Did Jason West kill someone? Was it in his contract that he couldn’t kill anyone while employed at Infinity Ward?  Did Vince Zampella help hide the body? I bet Bobby Kotick was like “Vince, don’t help him hide that body” and Vince was all “YOU DON’T OWN ME BOBBY.” I’m no expert, but that sounds like a clear case of insubordination.

As a bonus, if your organization has a history of doing shitty things to video game developers, the public will assume that your company is to blame. The resulting media backlash should solidify your company’s status as a giant dick.

~thanks G4

Valve software, the company comprised of renowned tricksters, jesters, and gypsies who are pretty good at making video games, hit the emails of a few blogs today with teaser images for an upcoming announcement. Shacknews, Rock, Paper, Shotgun, Mac Rumors, Mac NN, Eurogamer, and Macworld have each received one of six images. I feel a little left out that Gamebane didn’t get an image, but it’s probably for the best. Given my luck, my Valve image would still be stuck in my spam folder or mistakenly deleted with all incoming mail in a scorched earth tactic adopted in desperation to remove large quantities of pornography.

I even use Gmail filters. It’s become a real problem. The six images strongly hint that Steam is coming to Apple’s OSX operating system. But they could also mean that Apple bought Valve, Valve is now using Apple’s marketing team, or that Steve Jobs and Gabe Newell accidentally fell into a teleportation pod during an intense thumb-wrestling match, and the pod mistakenly assembled their DNA into a new organism, a Stevabe Newjob, if you will. Who, besides sounding both Mexican and Native American, is now in charge of Apple and Valve. Imagine the board meetings:

Stevabe Newjob: “The next Team Fortress 2 patch will allow players to incorporate iPods into their loadouts. They’ll be able to buy songs directly from the new TF2 iTunes store. Also, for the Engineer update, what do we think about letting engineers build sentries and dispensers remotely using 3G enabled iPads?

Stevabe Newjob: “Also, I think we need more aluminum around Steam headquarters. What’s this table made out of? Anyone? Because it looks like wood to me. I can’t see my reflection in wood, people.

Stevabe Newjob: “Why isn’t anyone saying anything?”

My Mac and PC are the same computer (I dual boot Windows XP and Leopard), so the idea of Steam for Mac is pretty exciting. I’d still do most of my gaming on the PC side, but it would be nice to use the Steam friends list and procrastinate with a few simple Mac games.

But maybe Valve has big plans for Steamed Macs. If the driver support existed and the development was there, there’s no reason why I couldn’t run Mac games just as well as I run PC games. The possibilities are exciting.

~apple image by Tom@freezepix

America’s Army, the free war game put out by the United States Army that’s less popular than games costing money, has racked up a pretty impressive development cost. Initially, the plan for the game was a five-year development cycle costing about seven million. No one is sure when the US Army deviated from that mission, but ten years later the game has cost the American taxpayers $32.8 million dollars.

Look on the bright side — it’s only 32.8 million. What does that really buy anyway? A couple iPods? How is the United States Army supposed to recruit people to fight our expensive wars without creating an expensive video game? A video game with a low budget would just be insulting. How can potential soldiers appreciate the cost of war by playing something with a low polygon count?

It is frustrating to see the United States Army wasting so much money on only one aspect of video game recruiting. Some of that money could have gone toward a US Army sponsored Pokemon. Get em while they’re young, I always say. If an 18 year old still thinks that the only place to catch “ArmySoldierzard” is in Afghanistan, that’s his own fault. And, frankly, he could probably use the guided activities that life in the Army provides.

~Thanks The Escapist

Blizzard should send this Adrianne Curry lady something nice in return for all the free advertising she just gave World of Warcraft. It’s statistically proven that each time a female person claims that she plays a specific video game, the sales and/or membership for that video game go up about two thousand percent. Since Adrianne Curry just claimed that she plays World of Warcraft AND that she plays World of Warcraft naked, Blizzard might experience some server trouble for the rest of the week.

Maybe Blizzard could send her some nice sheets or a fancy mattress. It must be exhausting for Adrianne Curry to come up with new ways to slut herself out on the Internet for attention.

I think we might be jumping to conclusions. There is nothing about this picture that proves she plays World of Warcraft or that she’s naked.

She’s probably wearing underwear, if only to protect her computer chair. Imagine how nasty that chair would get after hours and hours of bare-assed farting into the fabric. What? She probably farts more than half of the people playing World of Warcraft. Look how skinny she is. I bet she had broccoli and a tablespoon of lemon juice for lunch. Imagine how bad that smelled going in. Now imagine how bad it smells coming out.

And what evidence is there that she’s playing World of Warcraft. The headset? There are plenty of things that a female with an attractive voice can do with a headset, and, surprisingly, a lot of those things also involve role playing. That blurry monitor in the background is hardly enough evidence.

For me to believe that this Adrianne Curry lady really plays World of Warcraft naked, I’m going to have to see a video of her playing World of Warcraft for an extended period of time. And to prove that she’s doing this naked, she must periodically rise from her chair, turn to the camera, and do a couple jumping jacks. I look forward to your video response, Adrianne.

~Thanks Hot Blooded Gaming

When I was younger, I always dreamed of traveling to Australia to take in the beautiful scenery, dangerous wildlife, and excellent accent. But that was before I realized that the Australian public isn’t allowed to have fun video games. What would I do with my down time in Australia? Read? Knit? Scrapbook? Read about how to scrapbook? What do normal people do with their free time?

Rebellion, the developer behind the upcoming Aliens vs Predator game, had some choice words for the Australian Classification Board after the board banned the game from Australia.

Many developers try to be as nice to the Australian Classification Board as possible. Most even submit stripped down versions of their games to gain access to the country. Some studios, like Rebellion, take the “fuck you” approach to the situation and refuse to submit an edited version for review. Even fewer studios, like Rebellion, post inflammatory comments about how Australian citizens aren’t allowed to make their own choices.

We will not be releasing a sanitized or cut down version for territories where adults are not considered by their governments to be able to make their own entertainment choices.

Ouch. That is bound to upset someone. Since I agree with Rebellion, I can’t let them take the heat for this alone. Hey, Australian government, remember when your country was just a big prison?  Doesn’t look like much has changed! Up high, Rebellion!

I keep waiting for Australian citizens to rise up and do something about all this gaming injustice, but I guess I’m in the minority of people who feel that video games are an important cultural medium. Besides, I realize that it’s hard to eat Combos, hold a controller, AND protest against a classification board. The last thing I want to do after ingesting over six ounces of pizza stuffed pretzel is protest, especially if I’m about to level.

~Thanks MCV