It’s probably easier to steal code from video game developers instead of from, say, banks or organizations funded by the military. I’m basing this assumption on how I’m pretty involved with video games but lack physical strength and have a proclivity to cry for no reason. I also just used the word “proclivity”, causing the meager amount of testosterone holding on my newly grown back-hair to flush from my system like so many drops of dew down the stem of a jostled tulip.

So, given the dozens of ripe, poorly defended video game developers at PAX East, why would a code thief target the one developer that not only works directly with military and intelligence organizations, but is also owned by a firm that is funded by the CIA? Maybe the thief wanted a challenge. Or maybe the pay for the job was too high to pass up. Or maybe the thief was a video game nerd with a track record of making bad decisions.

According to Joystiq, who has done some great investigative work into this story, an attendant at PAX East tried to steal the game code for Breach from the Atomic Games booth on the show floor. The staff at the Atomic Games booth managed to stop the thief after he downloaded some of the code onto his laptop and tried to flee into the crowd.

David Tractenberg, a spokesperson for Atomic Games, stated that the thief  “..did admit to us several times, including as he was doing it, that he was stealing the code.”

Ah, so the thief went for the ol’ “I’m stealing from you right. this. second.” approach. A ballsy move that usually only works in movies that have titles starting in “Oceans.” Maybe the thief was trying to distract the booth staff while he stole the code, but instead of yelling “LOOK OVER THERE” he yelled “I’M STEALING YOUR GAME. I mean. .. fuck.” A mistake any one of us could have made.

Since, like I mentioned above, Atomic Games works closely with military organizations, they caught the thief and had him thrown in jail. Joystiq wrote that “the suspect spent four hours in jail, and his laptops, modded Xbox 360, modded PSP, modded DS and XMP3 were confiscated by police.” Let this be a lesson for all you would-be thieves out there — get rid of your incriminating collection of modded video game consoles before attempting a poorly executed code theft. Also, a XMP3? Really?

My favorite part of this story is how Joystiq tracked the guy down on Xbox Live and reported that the thief claims he wasn’t trying to steal the Breach code. The suspect claims that he was just trying to get online because the wireless at the convention center wasn’t working. So when the guy was telling the staff of Atomic Games that he was stealing their game, he really meant that “I’m trying to steal the wireless but there’s a breach, so I’m just going to steal your internet connection.” Sorry, that’s the best sentence I could come up with to try and make that situation make sense.

The suspect (I think I’m supposed to be using that word because this guy hasn’t yet been convicted of being a thieving moron) also might be working for some bumbling organization of inept nerds struggling to steal game code. According to David Tractenberg, after being caught by the crew at Atomic Games, the suspect “..said several times he ‘knew people’ and ‘could give us bigger and more important people’ and he could ‘name names.’” Man, that guy sure flipped quickly, huh? I guess the worst thing that happens to a snitch in a video game code stealing gang is that he gets his shiny Pokemon released or something.

I’ll keep you guys updated with all the latest breaks in this story.

[Update] – Video game supervillain Justin May, known across the Internet as “The Breach Thief” skipped bail and has a warrant out for his arrest. Joystiq is reporting that May MAY be involved in a heated Modern Warfare 2 match and unable to step away from the console to keep from ruining the rest of his life.

I could be negative about this video of a bunch of kids singing “Still Alive” from Portal. I mean, the video portion of the video is pretty shitty. It’s darker than that video I shot of The Insane Clown Posse doing their version of The Vagina Monologues. Someone should have adjusted the brightness settings or upped the gamma or downloaded the latest video card drivers.

And have these kids even played the game? When they sing “we’re out of beta, we’re releasing on time”, do they know what they’re singing about? None of those kids have acquired enough disappointment to really appreciate a beta. None of them can say that they got access to the closed beta of Sesame Street when Big Bird was a bald eagle and Elmo had Lymphoma.

But I’m going to be positive about this video because the only thing I got to sing in elementary school choir was that ridiculous song about a banana and a telephone. I bet the choir did play through Portal. The lucky kids who didn’t need to be institutionalized after they were forced to incinerate their companion cubes, loved every minute of the game.

Dice, the developer of Bad Company 2, wants you to know that you’ve been spoiled. They want you to know that your fancy friends list and reliable server browsers have made you soft. Real PC gamers don’t need sophisticated multiplayer options that function properly. REAL PC gamers are happy with a keyboard, mouse, and something on the screen to strafe around.

At least that’s what it feels like Dice is trying to say with the frequently broken, sorely lacking multiplayer interface for Bad Company 2. If you’re used to playing games on Steam, you might be expecting Bad Company 2 to have certain features. For example, you might expect to be able to go to your Steam friends list, click on a friend who’s currently playing Bad Company 2, and then join that friend’s server. Well, you better get that shit out of your head right now. That shit will get you killed on the battlefield.

Bad Company 2 doesn’t allow soldiers to use that fancy steam woozit-whatzit-friendie-listie-thingamagig-awhat-a-ma-huh to interact with other soldiers. Bad Company 2 has its own friends list that only works a little under half of the time. Sometimes your friends will be online, but the list won’t show them online. Sometimes your friend will be in a server, but the list won’t let you join the server. When this happens, a box pops up that says “Please wait” and then just disappears with no explanation, leaving you staring at the list and wondering what happened.

This prepares you for the battlefield. A friends list that worked all the time would only give you false confidence. Does a grenade work all the time? Of course not. Sometimes you pull the pin and it blows the front of your face off. And that “Please wait” box prepares you too. Things happen in battle without explanations. Is your teammate going to give you an explanation after lacing your body into the ground with a tank tread? No. He’ll just drive away and let you wonder if him driving over you was an accident or if he was that guy you murdered for the helicopter.

If I wasn't so weak and spoiled, this helicopter would already be dead.

Another thing turning fighting men into pussies is a reliable server filter system. Some games, like that communist bitch-fest Team Fortress 2, let players choose from certain filters and then save those filters for future use. Bad Company 2 does none of this diaper-filling nonsense. When you load the Bad Company 2 server browser, no filters are selected regardless of which ones you selected the last time you played. You can’t cling to that shit. You need fresh tactics if you want to stay alive.

And don’t expect the server browser to quickly apply the filters that you select. After waiting for the server browser to refresh the server list, finding out that your filters aren’t saved, and then reapplying your filters, you’re going to wait again. What? Do you want to just go off half-cocked and jump into the first server that passes your filters? Think again, sonny. Use those tedious delays wisely to plan a winning strategy or to try and figure out how to join your friend’s server through the broken friends list.

The intraweb is blazing over the recent dispute between money-sucking-soul-crematorium Activision and the previous heads of Infinity Ward, Jason West and Vince Zampella. Basically, Activision, after probably spending an obscene amount of time investigating a legal way to bury West and Zampella up to their chins next to a fire ant mound, decided to just fire them under a cloud of vague accusations.

Luckily, the dispute gives the public a glimpse of how a big developer like Activision, who some have accused of acting like a giant asshole that extrudes video games after leeching away everything awesome and fun about their development, handles internal personnel problems.

I’ve been following the situation closely, and I’ve compiled a list of tips for other organizations aspiring to be seen as huge dicks.

How to handle disagreements with valuable employees

The Jason West and Vince Zampella versus Activision situation is unique because West and Zampella weren’t ordinary employees. Infinity Ward, the studio that West and Zampella headed until Activision figured out a way to get rid of them, produced one of the best selling games of all time for Activision — Modern Warfare 2.

Because of this, Activision couldn’t just toss West and Zampella out on the street like run-of-the-mill employees with the gall to question the Activision Prime Directive. It was important for Activision to embarrass and hassle West and Zampella as much as possible before their inevitable termination because they had the nerve to not keep cranking out award winning games that make billions of dollars.

The court documents that West and Zampella filed claim that Activision refused to explain charges of breach of contract and “insubordination” (embarrass) while holding an internal investigation that at one point involved West and Zampella sitting in a windowless conference room for six hours (hassle).

Any other big corporation might have sat West and Zampella down in a conference room with windows, beverages, and possibly danish to try and work out a solution to the growing strain between publisher and developer. But Activision didn’t earn its vile reputation by being some pussy corporation that wastes money on windows, beverages, and possibly danish.

How to handle a difficult transitional period

You’re probably wondering what to do after you fire your two high-ranking personnel that some have called “priceless” and “the most valuable game developers in the world.” If you followed the previous tip on how to handle disagreements with personnel, the situation is probably complicated because you and/or your company acted like a mound of cock wrapped in a wet bed sheet.

The biggest concern in this type of situation is that your disgruntled former employees will charge through the doors of the development company they founded and convince the rest of your not-so-valuable but still valuable employees to abandon ship, leaving a good-sized vacancy in the corner of your corporate Death Star.

Activision handled a similar situation by guarding the Infinity Ward campus with hired muscle. These mercenaries or “thugs” were ordered to not tell the Infinity Ward staff what was going on, ensuring that the staff became panicked and freaked out. A confused and scared staff isn’t very likely to rebel, more so if that staff usually interacts with spooky military-ish situations by using controllers.

How to control the story after being a dick

It’s important to control the story after your corporation comes across as a greedy fuck-piston. In Activision’s case, they used the unique strategy of providing the public with as little information as possible. We still don’t know a lot of what went on between Activision and West and Zampella:

• Why were West and Zampella fired?
• What did West and Zampella do that was in breach of contract?
• How were West and Zampella insubordinate?
• How does Activision have access to hired goons?

By not telling the public what West and Zampella did to get fired, the public is forced to assume the worst. Did Jason West kill someone? Was it in his contract that he couldn’t kill anyone while employed at Infinity Ward?  Did Vince Zampella help hide the body? I bet Bobby Kotick was like “Vince, don’t help him hide that body” and Vince was all “YOU DON’T OWN ME BOBBY.” I’m no expert, but that sounds like a clear case of insubordination.

As a bonus, if your organization has a history of doing shitty things to video game developers, the public will assume that your company is to blame. The resulting media backlash should solidify your company’s status as a giant dick.

~thanks G4

Most game developers know that it is hard to move retail units in America without instilling a sense of selfish-badassness in the average American consumer. But how do you accomplish this if your game is called The Settlers 7? “Settle” is right there in the game’s title. Americans don’t settle for anything because doing so probably means that someone else is getting something better and more awesome.

Since The Settlers is already an established franchise, it’s a little late for Ubisoft to change the name to something more American like The Pilgrims: LAND, TAKE, EAT, FUCK. But the marketing team came through with the box art.

Good thing he removed half of his helmet; Budweiser can't drink itself.

There’s a man who’s got some eating and fucking in his future. I don’t know how he’s going to choose between ruining that army’s shit or helping that weak pussy with that big rock. Good thing this game takes place before ESPN or he’d never make a decision.

According to the box, whatever he does is YOUR choice since it is YOUR kingdom. And, no matter what you pick, it will be a victory, YOUR victory. The box stops at this asskicker’s waist, so it’s up to YOUR imagination whether there are two or three maidens giving him a blow job.

Let’s see what European players get on their The Settlers 7 box.

Jesus. More like The Sissies 7? Am I right? GIT R DONE!

Wait a second, what’s with these three dudes on the front of the box?  Are they helping each other? What a bunch of considerate assholes. That dude from the American box should stomp down here and splatter these bitches with some Kentucky fried culture.

I can’t help but find this box art a little friendlier than the American version. It’s almost as if this Settlers game is about having some bright-colored fun. But how could that happen unless my character is lighting something on fire at night while ripping trees out of the ground with his chest hair (these are features that I feel are implied by The Settlers 7 North American box art).

The sad part about the different box art is that the actual game looks nothing like what is depicted on the North American box. Here’s a screenshot of The Settlers 7, a screenshot that doesn’t include a single dragon getting beaten to death with a Hummer branded mace.

Shouldn't the streets be filled with blood? There goes one of my testicles.

Is this false advertisement? I can definitely see how someone buying a game with the above North American box art might be disappointed with a game that looks completely different. What do you think?

~thanks Kotaku

To uphold my reputation for bringing my readers the latest Starcraft 2 beta news after every other website has already reported it but in a charming voice that several critics have described as “impish,” I have some information via the latest BlizzCast.

Rob Simpson, Dustin Browder, and Chris Sigaty discussed a variety of Starcraft 2 beta information in a Starcraft 2 beta focused episode of the BlizzCast. I managed to jot down some notes on what I found most interesting while crafting a Zergling out of pink Sculpey. Unfortunately, the Zergling had to be put down due to inadequate build quality.

Some of the things discussed about Starcraft 2 were pretty major:

The Starcraft 2 Beta

• Blizzard was initially hoping to run the Starcraft 2 beta for three to five months, but now it is looking like the beta will only last for about three months. This really worries me since I think the delicate game balance that Starcraft 2 requires can’t possibly get done in three months. This is probably Bobby Kotick’s doing as we all know he constantly requires more minerals.
• Blizzard is hoping to patch the Starcraft 2 beta at least once a week and more if needed.
• A major content patch is planned for close to the end of the beta before Starcraft 2′s official release.
• Changes to the Starcraft 2 beta will be as drastic as needed to ensure game balance. This means that units could be removed or added to Starcraft 2.
• Blizzard hopes to include the galaxy editor and some form of achievements in the Starcraft 2 beta if time allows.
• The point of the Starcraft 2 beta is to hone game balance and test server loads.

Starcraft 2 Single Player

• There will be many more playable units in the single player including wraiths, medics, and science vessels.
• Players can change difficulty per Starcraft 2 campaign mission.

Random Starcraft 2 Stuff

• Blizzard has a company-wide Starcraft 2 play session every Thursday night.
• World of Warcraft and Starcraft 2 will be connected via Battle.net.
• “Star 2″ is the new hip abbreviation for “Starcraft 2.” For example, “yo man, I was totally just blasting some toss in Star 2.” or “Star 2 is the abbreviation I’m using for ‘Starcraft 2.’ I wanted to tell you so you know what I’m talking about.”

Check out episode 13 of the BlizzCast complete with chat transcript.

I feel bad about ragging on DICE. They are one of the few big developers who seem to appreciate the act of developing a game for the PC. Don’t worry — this doesn’t mean that I’m not going to rag on them, because I am. I just want to make it clear that all of my comments come with a back end of appreciation.

After Infinity Ward released Modern Warfare 2 and asked their PC fanbase to spend sixty dollars for a PC game lacking many of the features that distinguish a PC game from a console game, mainly dedicated server support, DICE saw an opportunity to gain favor with PC gamers. DICE acted like Infinity Ward had tried to sell PC gamers a mule that was missing its saddle, reins, and had three broken legs. DICE assured us that they were also working on a mule, but their mule had a saddle, reins, and legs molded out of something indestructible like Dick Cheney.

I thought DICE’s “WE LOVE YOU PC GAMERZ!!!” PR blitz was a little transparent but warranted given Infinity Ward’s and Activision’s insistence of charging sixty dollars to rape much of PC gaming’s identity. But recently DICE released a PC walkthrough trailer for Battlefield: Bad Company 2 that takes the PC pandering a little far.

In the video, a lot of time is dedicated to explaining how the PC version of Battlefield: Bad Company 2 has innovative PC specific features like menus, a server browser, and a user interface that can be navigated without taking notes and remembering patterns like its a game of Simon.

Perhaps DICE needs to point these things out given the amount of unusable shit that many developers have the balls to port to PC, but I think DICE has an opportunity to be better. The video comes off as a little shallow, a little too concerned with nailing down as many disgruntled PC gamers as possible. And I’m also concerned with the effect that packaging basic game functionality as “unique pc features” will have on continued development for the PC. Hell, if the PC gaming base does synchronized cartwheels over the ability to navigate past a game’s main menu and dedicated server support, what’s the point of pushing the envelope?

I still don’t have access to the Starcraft 2 beta, and I’m too dehydrated from constantly checking my email to keep crying, so I decided to post a list of Starcraft 2 beta content from around the net.

These Starcraft 2 beta streams, videos, and podcasts won’t do much to fill that hole left by your father that you were hoping to drop a Starcraft 2 beta key down, but the stuff is pretty entertaining. Recently, I’ve found that entertaining things use up the precious minutes and seconds between Starcraft 2 beta waves.

Streams

Starcraft Legacy’s Stream – When Gifted is playing on this stream, the video quality is above average and the live commentary can’t be beat. Unfortunately, a bunch of people from Starcraft Legacy also use the stream, and most lack Gifted’s charm and accessible easygoing attitude about the Starcraft 2 beta.

Team Liquid Streams – The staff over at Team Liquid have a variety of streams for your consideration. Team Liquid is known for their quality of Starcraft play, so many of the users are already quite skilled at Starcraft 2.

Final Flight’s Nightly Stream in HD — A beta user named Final Flight is streaming nightly in HD quality. He also commentates on live and recorded matches.

Starcraft Method Stream — This stream has the best video quality I’ve seen. Unfortunately, the commentary leaves a lot to be desired. A few nights ago, the stream’s owner was talking on the phone with some girl. A night or two before that, he was muting the Starcraft 2 music and playing what he was calling “metal”. But, again, the video quality can’t be beat.

Videos

HD Starcraft on YouTube – I like this guy a lot. He uploads HD quality Starcraft 2 beta videos complete with commentary. His commentary is joyful and intelligent, so you might not like it very much if you enjoy reading this blog.

BlizShouter on YouTube – This guy is an aspiring Starcraft 2 pro gamer. His commentary is also a bit more on the serious side compared to HD Starcraft’s. For example, BlizShouter wrote an article on mice usage in Starcraft. The video quality isn’t as good as HD Starcraft’s channel, but it is pretty clear.

HuskyStarcraft on Youtube – Husky is a decent player who does commentaries much like HD Starcraft. There are even a few games of them playing each other. I’m told that if you put the two rival commentaries from these games on at the same time, the result is something that eerily resembles that dueling banjos song.

Hegemon54 on YouTube — Another YouTube user who’s uploading HD quality videos.

EggsNBaconBreakfast on Youtube — This Neogaf.com member has a few amusing videos up on his YouTube stream.

KHB’s mothership rush — Surprised? You’re not nearly as surprised as the poor bastard was who he was playing.

KHB defeats David Kim — David Kim is a Blizzard employee who used to be a pro-gamer. Blizzard hired him, and now he’s in charge of unit balance for Starcraft 2. He almost never loses.

David Kim wins another game – This is usually what happens when someone goes up against David Kim (Dayvie) in the Starcraft 2 beta.

The benefit of Shift Commands in Starcraft II — By holding shift while issuing orders, it’s possible to queue a chain of automatic actions in Starcraft 2.

Replays

It’s possible to watch Starcraft 2 beta replays by downloading the Starcraft 2 beta client and replacing a few folders. The legality of this is a little sketchy, and Blizzard hasn’t made an official comment on the issue, so mod the Starcraft 2 beta at your own risk.

How to watch Starcraft 2 beta replays

Now that you’ve blindly thrown caution to the wind in a mad attempt to gobble up as much Starcraft 2 beta content as possible, here are a couple links to Starcraft 2 beta replays.

Team Liquid Starcraft 2 replay thread – This thread contains a bunch of replays from pro players including KHB and some pro Korean Starcraft 2 players.

Gamesports Starcraft 2 replays – This page features a decent amount of Starcraft 2 beta replays. Everything on the site is in German, but hopefully you didn’t spend your high school German class playing games of pool on your Cybiko instead of paying attention enough to pass. I can’t imagine anyone doing that.

KHB replay pack — KHB was nice enough to upload a replay pack that includes over 70 replays of his Starcraft 2 beta games

CowsGoMoo replay pack — A replay pack of some quality Terran play.

Podcasts

The Bombcast 2-23-10 – The Giantbomb staff talks a bit about the Starcraft 2 beta near the beginning of their latest podcast. Brad seems to be the biggest Starcraft 2 fan over there.

Team Liquid Starcraft 2 beta cast — The guys over at Team Liquid put up their first Starcraft 2 podcast the other day. It’s only about 30 minutes, but I found the conversation high-spirited and full of interesting facts about Starcraft’s competitive history. I can’t remember the last time I heard someone talking about Tillerman.

Episode 13 of the BlizzCast — Rob Simpson, Dustin Browder, and Chris Sigaty talk a lot about the Starcraft II beta. The planned length for the Starcraft II beta is discussed along with unit balance, the new battle.net, and single player.

Music

Starcraft 2′s music is fantastic. A lot of people aren’t digging the music, which I think has something to do with Blizzard not tapping Three Doors Down for the soundtrack.

Battle.net theme

Terran theme 01

Protoss theme 01

Zerg theme 01

That Battle.net theme is really something special.

Other Media

Unit voice sounds

/dance is a reality

A database of all the Starcraft 2 beta units and buildings

The status of the Mac Starcraft 2 beta

Blizzard disappointed a lot of people with the announcement that a Mac beta client for Starcraft 2 wouldn’t be available for the first phase of the beta.

A user on the Starcraft 2 Armory forum contacted Blizzard to get an ETA for the Starcraft 2 Mac beta client.

He hasn’t emailed me back but we all should email the the mac support because i did and they sent me an email back less than 30 minutes. macsupport@blizzard.com
Also this is the email that i got originally.

Hello Alex,

The devs are still tweaking the Mac version of the Beta, but it should be coming soon. I can’t get a definite time from them since they are sequestered and working on the Beta, but, being a Mac user as well, I hope it’s sooner than later.

Rad
Mac and PC Technical Specialist
Blizzard Entertainment
radn.support@blizzard.com
Wrk hrs: (CMT) 1:30pm to 10:30pm Tue – Sat

Hope this helps.

Ok he emailed me back, I asked him about if everyone would get into beta (cause it’s a the mac version) and i also asked about if it will be the end of this month or next….

Hello Alex,

No ETA yet on the Mac version yet, and not everyone will get in, though more than likely many more that signed up for the Mac version will get in since we don’t have as big a population of gamers on the Mac side as we do on the PC side.

Rad
Mac and PC Technical Specialist
Blizzard Entertainment
radn.support@blizzard.com
Wrk hrs: (CMT) 1:30pm to 10:30pm Tue – Sat

Other stuff

I’ll keep updating this post with all the new goodies I find across the bleak expanse of the internet. If you find something interesting that’s Starcraft 2 beta related, leave a link in the comments or contact me through Gamebane’s contact form.

The Starcraft 2 closed beta test went live last week. Blizzard is conducting the Starcraft 2 beta like every other Blizzard beta by sending out beta invites in waves. This is a process that some eager fans aren’t handling very well.

Starcraft 2 is probably my most anticipated game release of all time, so I can understand how those gamers without beta access are feeling. Unfortunately, some people are taking things a little far.

The crazy users without Starcraft 2 beta keys posting on the official Starcraft 2 forums and on various other gaming forums around the net can be broken down into a few groups:

• The perceived entitlement group
• The jilted fan group
• The most valuable group
• The FUCK MY LIFE OF COURSE I DIDN’T GET A FUCKING KEY group

The perceived entitlement group

This is a group comprised of users who believe that they should receive a beta key because, you know, they exist. The great spectacle of their existence is more than enough reason to receive a key.

When someone from the group realizes that they weren’t accepted to the first couple Starcraft 2 beta waves, the forum response is of sad bewilderment.

One user, Handren, a poster on Blizzard’s Starcraft 2 forum, went as far as to make a thread with the title “I’m Sad” only to post “and i think you know why ” At this point, someone reading this thread is supposed to assume that Handren is sad because some asshole at Blizzard can’t follow directions and got lost hand-delivering Handren’s Starcraft 2 beta invite.

Interestingly, Handren’s account lists him as a European member. I always thought that European governments shot people for these kind of actions. Maybe Handren’s sad because immediately after submitting the thread, he was looking down the barrel of a Luger pistol (it is my understanding that people in Europe have access to no other type of weapon).

The jilted fan group

This group includes users who are pissed they didn’t get into the Starcraft 2 beta even after adding every possible Blizzard game to their battle.net accounts. These are the users who think that playing Blizzard games and purchasing Blizzard titles should secure them spots in the Starcraft 2 beta.

The forums are filled with posts by these people claiming what great fans they are and requesting access to the beta. Gummyworm, a poster on the official Starcraft 2 forum, even added his email address at the end of his post so someone could quickly courier him a Starcraft 2 beta key after confirming that he is in fact a “die-hard” Blizzard fan.

I’ve been a die-hard fan of blizzard since i was a kid… i haven’t made it into any betas so far, but I’d love to get to see one of the games i love evolve into a finished product!

HAVE MERCY ON ME!!!

gummyworm31@gmail.com

I debated whether or not to include his email address because some of my readers have been known to email people pictures of oiled genitals, but I finally decided to include it after reading “HAVE MERCY ON ME!!!” a couple times. Wouldn’t it be a shame if people only get one “HAVE MERCY ON ME!!!” in a lifetime, and this guy just used his up by begging for a key on a public Starcraft 2 forum? What’s he going to say when he gets kidnapped by the Meat Weasels, a foreskin-severing biker gang out of Oklahoma? “DON’T SHAVE MY PYLON!!!”?

The most valuable group

Arguably the most annoying group, these Starcraft 2 devotees think that their possible Starcraft 2 beta feedback rates in value somewhere between a frog that urinates gold and eyeliner that enables teleportation (patent pending). These users are furious that “noobs” are getting access to the Starcraft 2 beta and being allowed to play such a sacred vessel of RTS gospel. The overwhelming attitude from this group is that only people who are really good at real time strategy games, which of course they are, should be allowed to test the Starcraft 2 beta.

One user from the official Starcraft 2 forum, Twstmast3r, just wanted to “rant a little” with his post “give beta to those who care.” His over six paragraphs of gibberish is too long to post here, but his post mentions how his inferior-skilled cousin got in the beta and is now “dominating the platinum ladder.” This, according to Twstmast3r, “is sad” because his “cousin is a noob.”

So Twstmast3r doesn’t think his cousin is using his Starcraft 2 beta key correctly by playing games in the Starcraft 2 beta. That doesn’t make much sense to me, but I might not understand his thesis because I don’t replace letters with numbers in my usernames. Maybe Blizzard would benefit from Twstmast3r’s expert feedback. I mean, look at him taking the English language by storm with his missing vowels and experimental character usage. He’s obviously a forward thinker.

The FUCK MY LIFE OF COURSE I DIDN’T GET A FUCKING KEY FUCK group

This has to be my favorite group of users. For them, not getting a Starcraft 2 beta key is just one more thing that their miserable existences fucked them out of receiving. This offense is just another addition to a list that includes “confidence in social situations”, “acceptance to Yale”, “opportunity to see female nipples somewhere other than on an LCD”, and “unfettered access to the oval office.”

I feel bad finding this group so comical because when you take the time to sob on the Internet about how you didn’t get access to a beta for a video game that everyone will be able to buy by the end of the year, things probably aren’t going too well on a day by day basis.

Also, I’d probably be a part of this group if I hadn’t spent years teaching myself self-restraint when it comes to posting things on the Internet. Keep that in mind as you read all the shit I write … on the Internet.

Imagine my surprise when I woke up at noon to get the mail and found this little beauty in the box. At first I thought Netflix had accidentally sent me a third movie, or that they had sent me a third movie as a reward for renting quality films and not tying up precious copies of Under the Tuscan Sun.

Perhaps for these very reasons, Netflix included some text on the outside of the envelope to inform me that I was holding my Instant Streaming Disc for the PlayStation 3. It still seems a little silly that Netflix would print up special envelopes for these PS3 streaming discs. Do people routinely throw out extra Netflix envelopes that they receive in the mail? “Oh no, no, no. I didn’t sign up for another disc. Take your kindness somewhere else, Netflix.”

For the good of the Internet, I decided to take some unboxing pictures of my new instant streaming disc for the PlayStation 3. You’re welcome, Internet.

Netflix found three ways to tell people that this disc is for the PlayStation 3

The envelope is resting on the seat of my bicycle. I keep it around for when my mom comes over and starts asking questions about how much exercise I’m getting. I just point to the bike and say, “What do you think?”

This writing is handy for people who don't remember what they signed up for.

How many discs do you think are on the way back to Netflix right now because someone got done streaming an episode of One Tree Hill or something and wants to get the other episodes in the season? I wonder how many fuck-ups you get before Netflix refuses to mail the disc back. I mean, I could understand someone maybe sending the disc back once after watching Schindler’s List or something and being on emotionally-dead autopilot so the disc gets ejected, shoved back in the envelope, and thrown in the mailbox with a hollow sob, a hollow sob into the mouth of a whiskey bottle. But let’s be realistic — how many people can sit through Schindler’s List these days without stopping it to watch wrestling?

The assembly instructions for my life-sized Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle van had less warnings.

The inside envelope is also red to aid in organization for those people who have the 90 at a time plan or whatever and need an excel spreadsheet to monitor what’s in the mail to Netflix, what’s in the mail to the house, and what’s stacked in the physical queue by the computer for burning. I think these people might also watch movies, but I’m not sure.

Netflix took a gamble and went with the color red for the disc. I think it paid off.

For my readers who were hoping that the disc also came with a PlayStation 3 console — no luck. I had my doubts when I first saw the envelope, but I was optimistic that Sony had already released an even slimmer version of the PS3.

How It Handles

This section isn’t about how the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle van handles. That handles just fine unless the steering wheel locks up and shatters your forearms. That’s only happened like once. Ok, twice. But the second time I was distracted by the police sirens.

I don’t have a fancy capture device hooked up to my TV because all my funds are tied up in … annuities?  Does that make sense?

So you’re going to have to deal with some horrible pictures of the PS3 streaming experience. My TV also hates being photographed ever since it found those pictures I took on the Internet. It takes a long time to win trust back in a relationship.

This is the first comedy that came up. I feel like Netflix doesn't even know me.

There’s a pretty basic navigation menu that opens after you insert the disc and sync your PS3 up to your Netflix account. If you move up, you can scroll sideways to move through genres, the items on your queue, TV shows, movies, and new arrivals. Moving the cursor in the bottom section let’s you scroll through the available titles in the selected category. I only played with it for a few minutes, but I didn’t see a search window. Also, you can’t just hold down the cursor to scroll through content; you have to push the d-pad every time you want to move.

As you can see, Netflix needs to work on how they categorize movies.

Visually, the interface is basic but pretty slick. Your selection window acts like a magnifying glass as you scroll. You can’t see it in the picture because I handle a camera about as well as I handle a newborn, but every film lists the running time, rating, and whether or not it’s in HD.

How did Miller's Crossing only get three and a half stars? What the fuck is wrong with people?

After you click on a title, a little description windows pops up.

Unfortunately, Miller’s Crossing played in full screen which was confusing because I know they made a wide screen edition. Does Netflix not have permission to show the wide screen version?

Calling this "retrieving" is a little much, Netflix. I already love you more than my dog.

After you click “play,” Netflix loads up the selection. My internet is incredibly shitty. I renamed my wireless connection to “Hyrule Rulz” to try and discourage people from attempting to connect, but that didn’t help. I might have more people in my neighborhood that I can relate to than I originally assumed.

Even with my shitty internet, both Miller’s Crossing and The Proposition loaded up quickly and ran without a hitch. I expected a long loading time or some pauses for buffering, so I was pretty impressed.

So far, this PS3 streaming seems to work well. The content loaded quickly and HD titles looked pretty nice.

I hope there’s a search windows that I was too stupid to locate because manually scrolling through all the titles to watch something at the spur of the moment would be a bummer. There’s totally a search window. There must be one.