Dice, the developer of Bad Company 2, wants you to know that you’ve been spoiled. They want you to know that your fancy friends list and reliable server browsers have made you soft. Real PC gamers don’t need sophisticated multiplayer options that function properly. REAL PC gamers are happy with a keyboard, mouse, and something on the screen to strafe around.

At least that’s what it feels like Dice is trying to say with the frequently broken, sorely lacking multiplayer interface for Bad Company 2. If you’re used to playing games on Steam, you might be expecting Bad Company 2 to have certain features. For example, you might expect to be able to go to your Steam friends list, click on a friend who’s currently playing Bad Company 2, and then join that friend’s server. Well, you better get that shit out of your head right now. That shit will get you killed on the battlefield.

Bad Company 2 doesn’t allow soldiers to use that fancy steam woozit-whatzit-friendie-listie-thingamagig-awhat-a-ma-huh to interact with other soldiers. Bad Company 2 has its own friends list that only works a little under half of the time. Sometimes your friends will be online, but the list won’t show them online. Sometimes your friend will be in a server, but the list won’t let you join the server. When this happens, a box pops up that says “Please wait” and then just disappears with no explanation, leaving you staring at the list and wondering what happened.

This prepares you for the battlefield. A friends list that worked all the time would only give you false confidence. Does a grenade work all the time? Of course not. Sometimes you pull the pin and it blows the front of your face off. And that “Please wait” box prepares you too. Things happen in battle without explanations. Is your teammate going to give you an explanation after lacing your body into the ground with a tank tread? No. He’ll just drive away and let you wonder if him driving over you was an accident or if he was that guy you murdered for the helicopter.

If I wasn't so weak and spoiled, this helicopter would already be dead.

Another thing turning fighting men into pussies is a reliable server filter system. Some games, like that communist bitch-fest Team Fortress 2, let players choose from certain filters and then save those filters for future use. Bad Company 2 does none of this diaper-filling nonsense. When you load the Bad Company 2 server browser, no filters are selected regardless of which ones you selected the last time you played. You can’t cling to that shit. You need fresh tactics if you want to stay alive.

And don’t expect the server browser to quickly apply the filters that you select. After waiting for the server browser to refresh the server list, finding out that your filters aren’t saved, and then reapplying your filters, you’re going to wait again. What? Do you want to just go off half-cocked and jump into the first server that passes your filters? Think again, sonny. Use those tedious delays wisely to plan a winning strategy or to try and figure out how to join your friend’s server through the broken friends list.

The intraweb is blazing over the recent dispute between money-sucking-soul-crematorium Activision and the previous heads of Infinity Ward, Jason West and Vince Zampella. Basically, Activision, after probably spending an obscene amount of time investigating a legal way to bury West and Zampella up to their chins next to a fire ant mound, decided to just fire them under a cloud of vague accusations.

Luckily, the dispute gives the public a glimpse of how a big developer like Activision, who some have accused of acting like a giant asshole that extrudes video games after leeching away everything awesome and fun about their development, handles internal personnel problems.

I’ve been following the situation closely, and I’ve compiled a list of tips for other organizations aspiring to be seen as huge dicks.

How to handle disagreements with valuable employees

The Jason West and Vince Zampella versus Activision situation is unique because West and Zampella weren’t ordinary employees. Infinity Ward, the studio that West and Zampella headed until Activision figured out a way to get rid of them, produced one of the best selling games of all time for Activision — Modern Warfare 2.

Because of this, Activision couldn’t just toss West and Zampella out on the street like run-of-the-mill employees with the gall to question the Activision Prime Directive. It was important for Activision to embarrass and hassle West and Zampella as much as possible before their inevitable termination because they had the nerve to not keep cranking out award winning games that make billions of dollars.

The court documents that West and Zampella filed claim that Activision refused to explain charges of breach of contract and “insubordination” (embarrass) while holding an internal investigation that at one point involved West and Zampella sitting in a windowless conference room for six hours (hassle).

Any other big corporation might have sat West and Zampella down in a conference room with windows, beverages, and possibly danish to try and work out a solution to the growing strain between publisher and developer. But Activision didn’t earn its vile reputation by being some pussy corporation that wastes money on windows, beverages, and possibly danish.

How to handle a difficult transitional period

You’re probably wondering what to do after you fire your two high-ranking personnel that some have called “priceless” and “the most valuable game developers in the world.” If you followed the previous tip on how to handle disagreements with personnel, the situation is probably complicated because you and/or your company acted like a mound of cock wrapped in a wet bed sheet.

The biggest concern in this type of situation is that your disgruntled former employees will charge through the doors of the development company they founded and convince the rest of your not-so-valuable but still valuable employees to abandon ship, leaving a good-sized vacancy in the corner of your corporate Death Star.

Activision handled a similar situation by guarding the Infinity Ward campus with hired muscle. These mercenaries or “thugs” were ordered to not tell the Infinity Ward staff what was going on, ensuring that the staff became panicked and freaked out. A confused and scared staff isn’t very likely to rebel, more so if that staff usually interacts with spooky military-ish situations by using controllers.

How to control the story after being a dick

It’s important to control the story after your corporation comes across as a greedy fuck-piston. In Activision’s case, they used the unique strategy of providing the public with as little information as possible. We still don’t know a lot of what went on between Activision and West and Zampella:

• Why were West and Zampella fired?
• What did West and Zampella do that was in breach of contract?
• How were West and Zampella insubordinate?
• How does Activision have access to hired goons?

By not telling the public what West and Zampella did to get fired, the public is forced to assume the worst. Did Jason West kill someone? Was it in his contract that he couldn’t kill anyone while employed at Infinity Ward?  Did Vince Zampella help hide the body? I bet Bobby Kotick was like “Vince, don’t help him hide that body” and Vince was all “YOU DON’T OWN ME BOBBY.” I’m no expert, but that sounds like a clear case of insubordination.

As a bonus, if your organization has a history of doing shitty things to video game developers, the public will assume that your company is to blame. The resulting media backlash should solidify your company’s status as a giant dick.

~thanks G4

The Starcraft 2 closed beta test went live last week. Blizzard is conducting the Starcraft 2 beta like every other Blizzard beta by sending out beta invites in waves. This is a process that some eager fans aren’t handling very well.

Starcraft 2 is probably my most anticipated game release of all time, so I can understand how those gamers without beta access are feeling. Unfortunately, some people are taking things a little far.

The crazy users without Starcraft 2 beta keys posting on the official Starcraft 2 forums and on various other gaming forums around the net can be broken down into a few groups:

• The perceived entitlement group
• The jilted fan group
• The most valuable group
• The FUCK MY LIFE OF COURSE I DIDN’T GET A FUCKING KEY group

The perceived entitlement group

This is a group comprised of users who believe that they should receive a beta key because, you know, they exist. The great spectacle of their existence is more than enough reason to receive a key.

When someone from the group realizes that they weren’t accepted to the first couple Starcraft 2 beta waves, the forum response is of sad bewilderment.

One user, Handren, a poster on Blizzard’s Starcraft 2 forum, went as far as to make a thread with the title “I’m Sad” only to post “and i think you know why ” At this point, someone reading this thread is supposed to assume that Handren is sad because some asshole at Blizzard can’t follow directions and got lost hand-delivering Handren’s Starcraft 2 beta invite.

Interestingly, Handren’s account lists him as a European member. I always thought that European governments shot people for these kind of actions. Maybe Handren’s sad because immediately after submitting the thread, he was looking down the barrel of a Luger pistol (it is my understanding that people in Europe have access to no other type of weapon).

The jilted fan group

This group includes users who are pissed they didn’t get into the Starcraft 2 beta even after adding every possible Blizzard game to their battle.net accounts. These are the users who think that playing Blizzard games and purchasing Blizzard titles should secure them spots in the Starcraft 2 beta.

The forums are filled with posts by these people claiming what great fans they are and requesting access to the beta. Gummyworm, a poster on the official Starcraft 2 forum, even added his email address at the end of his post so someone could quickly courier him a Starcraft 2 beta key after confirming that he is in fact a “die-hard” Blizzard fan.

I’ve been a die-hard fan of blizzard since i was a kid… i haven’t made it into any betas so far, but I’d love to get to see one of the games i love evolve into a finished product!

HAVE MERCY ON ME!!!

gummyworm31@gmail.com

I debated whether or not to include his email address because some of my readers have been known to email people pictures of oiled genitals, but I finally decided to include it after reading “HAVE MERCY ON ME!!!” a couple times. Wouldn’t it be a shame if people only get one “HAVE MERCY ON ME!!!” in a lifetime, and this guy just used his up by begging for a key on a public Starcraft 2 forum? What’s he going to say when he gets kidnapped by the Meat Weasels, a foreskin-severing biker gang out of Oklahoma? “DON’T SHAVE MY PYLON!!!”?

The most valuable group

Arguably the most annoying group, these Starcraft 2 devotees think that their possible Starcraft 2 beta feedback rates in value somewhere between a frog that urinates gold and eyeliner that enables teleportation (patent pending). These users are furious that “noobs” are getting access to the Starcraft 2 beta and being allowed to play such a sacred vessel of RTS gospel. The overwhelming attitude from this group is that only people who are really good at real time strategy games, which of course they are, should be allowed to test the Starcraft 2 beta.

One user from the official Starcraft 2 forum, Twstmast3r, just wanted to “rant a little” with his post “give beta to those who care.” His over six paragraphs of gibberish is too long to post here, but his post mentions how his inferior-skilled cousin got in the beta and is now “dominating the platinum ladder.” This, according to Twstmast3r, “is sad” because his “cousin is a noob.”

So Twstmast3r doesn’t think his cousin is using his Starcraft 2 beta key correctly by playing games in the Starcraft 2 beta. That doesn’t make much sense to me, but I might not understand his thesis because I don’t replace letters with numbers in my usernames. Maybe Blizzard would benefit from Twstmast3r’s expert feedback. I mean, look at him taking the English language by storm with his missing vowels and experimental character usage. He’s obviously a forward thinker.

The FUCK MY LIFE OF COURSE I DIDN’T GET A FUCKING KEY FUCK group

This has to be my favorite group of users. For them, not getting a Starcraft 2 beta key is just one more thing that their miserable existences fucked them out of receiving. This offense is just another addition to a list that includes “confidence in social situations”, “acceptance to Yale”, “opportunity to see female nipples somewhere other than on an LCD”, and “unfettered access to the oval office.”

I feel bad finding this group so comical because when you take the time to sob on the Internet about how you didn’t get access to a beta for a video game that everyone will be able to buy by the end of the year, things probably aren’t going too well on a day by day basis.

Also, I’d probably be a part of this group if I hadn’t spent years teaching myself self-restraint when it comes to posting things on the Internet. Keep that in mind as you read all the shit I write … on the Internet.

I see a lot of different opinions floating around about the new Double Fine game Brutal Legend. Some people love the game regardless of its flaws. Some people hate the game because it isn’t set in Borneo. Some people can’t understand how Judas Priest is listenable.

Here’s a list I developed about the five types of people playing Brutal Legend. My symbolic doctorate in Psychology and years spent reading about different personality types from the safety of my hemorrhoid-cushion-equipped computer chair had nothing to do with this list.

The Writer

After hearing that Tim Schafer made his characters in Brutal Legend speak full sentences, the writer went about the excruciating process of unlearning everything about the PlayStation controller that involved playing a Blu-ray movie.

The writer is too preoccupied with taking notes to complete any side quests, and the writer’s review of Brutal Legend is less a review and more a rambling blog post about how the game’s story isn’t as good as The Wire.

Choice quote — “I usually don’t play video games because my eyes are too exhausted from reading books.”

The Jack Black Fan

Brutal Legend is not a game about Jack Black, but that doesn’t stop the Jack Black fan from pausing School of Rock, freezing Nacho Libre, and not crying from that scene in The Jackal long enough to soak in every bit of Eddie Riggs’s dialogue.

The Jack Black fan takes dying in Brutal Legend especially hard because he doesn’t just fail the game, he fails Jack Black. In his review of Brutal Legend, the Jack Black fan deducts points for every scene in the game where he feels that Jack Black could have made more of an ass out of himself.

Choice quote — “When I heard that this game was brutal, I thought people were just making fun of Year One. Did you see Year One? Excellent movie. There’s a hidden scene where Jack Black acts.”

The Clueless Consumer

The clueless consumer heard about an awesome game where you hunt treasure and run from explosions as a disarmingly charming character wearing designer clothing and a rugged jaw. Then he went to the store and bought Brutal Legend.

Luckily, the clueless consumer finds bushy sideburns both charming and rugged. He finds an axe at the beginning of the game, so that’s enough to satisfy the treasure aspect. Brutal Legend also has a bunch of explosions, and that thing about designer clothing must have been a rumor. Who the fuck wears designer clothing in a video game?

Choice quote — “The main character sure put on some weight since they shot those commercials.”

The Professional Game Critic

A month spent pouring over preview footage and pre-release screenshots left the game critic cautiously optimistic about Brutal Legend. But the game critic usually approached every game with a level of cautious optimism so his job didn’t eat him alive.

The game critic finds the beautiful imagination of Brutal Legend’s world, the genuine characters, and the substantial story lacking in their ability to not make him hate every fucking second of the gameplay. He turns the cautious optimism into one part appreciation for Brutal Legend’s “vision” and two part disgust for pop-ins, poor sound mixing, boring gameplay mechanics, and rough framerate.

Choice quote — “How’d I hit that tree?!?  I WONDER IF THIS GAME’S COLLISION DETECTION CAN PROCESS MY FIST.”

The Metalhead

With not a lot to purchase since Pantera stopped making albums, the metalhead picked up Brutal Legend on a whim. The box was pretty small, so he thought it was a safe bet that the game didn’t include a fucking plastic guitar.

Unfortunately, the metalhead stops playing once he unlocks the car’s radio. In hindsight, sixty dollars seems like a lot to spend for a game that he “plays” by leaving it on in the background with the car idling and radio blaring. However, the music is a great soundtrack for looking at pornography and drawing dragons.

Choice quote — “There’s no fucking way that was fucking Ozzy, man. … … .. When the fuck is Ozzfest?”