breach code stolen

Breach Game Code Stolen at PAX East

by Bryan Sharp on March 30, 2010

It’s probably easier to steal code from video game developers instead of from, say, banks or organizations funded by the military. I’m basing this assumption on how I’m pretty involved with video games but lack physical strength and have a proclivity to cry for no reason. I also just used the word “proclivity”, causing the meager amount of testosterone holding on my newly grown back-hair to flush from my system like so many drops of dew down the stem of a jostled tulip.

So, given the dozens of ripe, poorly defended video game developers at PAX East, why would a code thief target the one developer that not only works directly with military and intelligence organizations, but is also owned by a firm that is funded by the CIA? Maybe the thief wanted a challenge. Or maybe the pay for the job was too high to pass up. Or maybe the thief was a video game nerd with a track record of making bad decisions. [click to continue…]

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choir sings still alive

Kids Singing “Still Alive” From Portal

by Bryan Sharp on March 29, 2010

I could be negative about this video of a bunch of kids singing “Still Alive” from Portal. I mean, the video portion of the video is pretty shitty. It’s darker than that video I shot of The Insane Clown Posse doing their version of The Vagina Monologues. Someone should have adjusted the brightness settings or upped the gamma or downloaded the latest video card drivers. [click to continue…]

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twilight video game

Anyone Else Sad About the Lack of Twilight Video Games?

by Bryan Sharp on March 19, 2010

I‘m a big fan of the Twilight films. It’s not often that I’m moved to tears while staring at the abdominal muscles of young men. Usually, the young men are the ones crying, especially after I utter my catch-phrase “I bet I can fit my whole mustache inside your belly button.”

So I’m pretty sad that no one has developed a Twilight video game. The market for people who want to turn into a vampire and then fall in love is gigantic. And I hear that a lot of girls find the Twilight movies “romantic,” a word that might make sense to me if I was more learned in Twilight lore.

According to Games Investor Consulting analyst Nick Gibson, “Twilight could easily present a seven-figure exploitation opportunity, especially if publishers look at taking it beyond retail gaming and considers network gaming.” It’s safe to assume that immediately after Nick Gibson said this to MCV, Bobby Kotick, his tarantula-sense picking up on the words “seven-figure”, “exploitation”, “publishers”, and “gaming” used in succession, sliced a hole in the wall with the corner of his checkbook and burst into the room.

By “network gaming”, I assume that Nick Gibson is talking about digital distribution. Or maybe he’s talking about a multiplayer Twilight game. In that game, based on your definition of “winning”, whoever kisses that awkward human girl or snaps the game in half first wins.

Nick Gibson suggests that a Twilight game would be most at home on the Wii or DS.  I’m sure he realizes that the moment the word “twilight” enters a game’s title, no one used to shooting people in the face is interested. Actually, a game titled Shoot the Cast of Twilight in the Face could move a lot of units on the PS3, Xbox 360, PC, iPhone, Mac, Android, Wii, DS, SNES, NES, Sega CD, NGage, and Linux.

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splinter cell conviction

Ubisoft Confirms the Unplayability of Splinter Cell Conviction

by Bryan Sharp on March 17, 2010

According to VG247, the specs for the PC version of Splinter Cell: Conviction should make the game desirable for gamers in the “Look, you can’t buy goods and services with money. Just tear it up and use it as confetti at parties” category:

Recommended specs:

  • Supported OS: Windows XP, Windows Vista, Windows 7
  • Processor: 1.8 GHz Intel Core2 Duo or 2.4 GHz AMD Athlon X2 64
  • RAM: 1.5 GB Windows XP / 2 GB Windows Vista, Windows 7
  • Video Card: 256 MB DirectX 9.0c–compliant video card (512 MB recommended) (see supported list*)
  • Sound Card: DirectX 9.0c–compliant sound card
  • DirectX Version: DirectX 9.0c
  • DVD-ROM: DVD-ROM drive
  • Hard Drive Space: 10 GB
  • Peripherals Supported: Mouse, keyboard, headset, 12-button gamepads with analog sticks
  • Internet Connection: Broadband Internet connection

*Supported Video Cards at Time of Release:

  • NVIDIA GeForce 7800 / 7900 / 8 / 9 / GTX series
  • ATI RADEON X1800 / X1900 / HD 2000 / HD 3000 / HD 4000 / HD 5000 series
  • Laptop versions of these cards may work but are NOT supported. These chipsets are the only ones that will run this game.

Note: A permanent high speed internet connection and creation of a Ubisoft account are required to play this video game at all times and to unlock exclusive content. Such content may only be unlocked one single time with a unique key. You must be at least 13 to create a Ubisoft account.

Man, they really include a lot of fluff in that list of specs. Let’s see if we can filter it down to only the important parts:

Note: A permanent high speed internet connection and creation of a Ubisoft account are required to play this video game at all times

That’s better, but I think we can take it further:

Note: A permanent high speed internet connection (is) required to play this video game at all times.

I think we’ve almost got it. But I am a bit of a perfectionist, so let’s give it one more try:

Note: A desire to give us your money and then immediately go fuck yourself is required to attempt to play this video game at all times.

Perfect.

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modern warfare 2

Modern Warfare 2 Map Pack Proves That Activision Still Loves Money

by Bryan Sharp on March 15, 2010

The details on the “stimulus package” map pack for Modern Warfare 2 dropped today. The map pack will feature five maps — three new maps and two remade maps from Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare, and it will set gamers back 1200 Microsoft points on Xbox 360. I’m told that 1200 points equals about fifteen real American dollars.

Whew! What a relief, right? After Activision tormented and fired their two most valuable employees, a lot of people were concerned that the publisher had lost the passion for gorging on coursing streams of revenue.  [click to continue…]

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Real Bad Company 2 Gamers Don’t Need Functionality

March 10, 2010
bad company 2

Dice, the developer of Bad Company 2, wants you to know that you’ve been spoiled. They want you to know that your fancy friends list and reliable server browsers have made you soft. Real PC gamers don’t need sophisticated multiplayer options that function properly. REAL PC gamers are happy with a keyboard, mouse, and something [...]

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The Activision Guide to Being a Dick: Dealing with Personnel

March 9, 2010
activision infinity ward

The intraweb is blazing over the recent dispute between money-sucking-soul-crematorium Activision and the previous heads of Infinity Ward, Jason West and Vince Zampella. Basically, Activision, after probably spending an obscene amount of time investigating a legal way to bury West and Zampella up to their chins next to a fire ant mound, decided to just [...]

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Valve’s Steam for Mac?

March 3, 2010
steam for apple

Valve software, the company comprised of renowned tricksters, jesters, and gypsies who are pretty good at making video games, hit the emails of a few blogs today with teaser images for an upcoming announcement. Shacknews, Rock, Paper, Shotgun, Mac Rumors, Mac NN, Eurogamer, and Macworld have each received one of six images. I feel a [...]

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Is The Settlers 7 EXTREME Enough for America?

March 1, 2010
settlers 7 box art

Most game developers know that it is hard to move retail units in America without instilling a sense of selfish-badassness in the average American consumer. But how do you accomplish this if your game is called The Settlers 7? “Settle” is right there in the game’s title. Americans don’t settle for anything because doing so [...]

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Stop Guilt Tripping Me, Steam UI Beta

February 26, 2010
new steam beta

Steam may be the best thing to happen to PC gaming since Ethernet, but the platform could use an upgrade. Hearing my thoughts, Valve recently started a beta for Steam that lets users test a new interface and new features for the platform. I, in the interest of science and in the hope that my [...]

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